every now and then i get the urge to document what i look like...all the changes that have happened during cancer, my looks have continuously changed...some of u say u haven't noticed, but i have, and every now and then i will see a pic that someone else has and realize, whoa, i don't have a pic of me at that point and wonder what other ways i have looked to get me to what i look like today.
i miss the shannon that used to casually glance in the mirror and just be happy being me, run a brush through my hair, throw on mascara and lipstick and just go...now its a process..trying to find clothes that fit, something for my head (whether it be a wig, hat, scarf, or if i have some hair...style it), trying to find a jacket cuz i'm always getting cold..or hot...plus i put on so much makeup now, just so that when u see me u don't think, "oh there she is, that sick girl" or "poor shannon, so sick". plus i do it to make me feel better. like, maybe the more the makeup the less people will see how scared i am, maybe i can hide it all, the anxiety, the depression, the paralyzing fear of what tomorrow will bring. i have to make sure it hides the sadness.maybe the better i look, the less questions they will ask. maybe i will just be shannon again. no "how are u feeling" or "what did the doctors say?" or the sympathetic glances my way when they think i don't notice. will i ever just be shannon again?
i can document these words now because right now i feel better. not perfect but better. its an amazing feeling. before i dont think i could have put any of that into words. but here are some pics of me on a good day. i really hate cancer.
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