This month also marks the eleventh anniversary of having cancer. That's right. On my wedding day I was waiting to get in to see a doctor about a huge lump in my breast that I had no doubt was cancer. I spent the day trying to spend as much time with everyone that I could because I felt like my life was coming to an end soon. The only people I had ever known with cancer had passed except one so I didn't have high hopes for my battle. I tried to memorize every moment of that day because I knew I had a battle coming and I would need these good memories to look back on. Some points I found myself just watching all my loved ones. My family, my friends. I just sat back and watched. At the end of the day I stayed and visited with all my family that had come into town just to see me get married while my husband went to hang out with his friends. We weren't very conventional. But I don't regret it. I was happy to spend time with everyone, taking in every moment. It was like a party to celebrate the end of one life and the beginning of the new life I was about to start. I'm not talking about my new married life either. Then when it came time for our honeymoon, I had the biopsy just before and the weekend in New Orleans was spent wondering what was going to happen next. I knew it was cancer. I knew my life was about to change. I'm not sure Casey did. He kept up a positive front, but I knew. And the week after our honeymoon, on a Friday afternoon, we went to the doctor, with Madisyn in my lap, and were told, "Yes, it's cancer." After that doctor's appointment we went out to eat. To Outback Steakhouse. I remember it like it was yesterday. We didn't talk much and I spent most of the evening watching others around me and wondering what it was like to be them. I wondered what, and if, anyone else had some life changing news 30 minutes ago. I wished I could turn back time and life be like it was before. I wondered what it was like to be worry free. To not have the words cancer in your life. I had already forgotten what that was like. It felt like I was suffocating, the world was shrinking, and I was mad. Mad that I couldn't be carefree and laughing and having a good time. I didn't share any of this with my new husband. I kept it bottled inside which made for a very awkward evening. I did learn that putting up a brave front probably isn't the best idea in a relationship. That is probably the one person you should be talking to about it and if you can't talk to them about it then you are probably in a bad relationship (ahem). What is great is that we can talk about things now. For the most part anyway.
That first year was probably one of the hardest I had. The fear of the unknown really drove me crazy. I cried, all the time. Every time I was alone. In the car, in the shower, with my daughter (she was little, she didn't count, I felt I could cry in front of her, a lot of times she made it better with a hug), just always. I was scared. So scared. I didn't want to leave my baby girl. It has gotten easier over the past eleven years. I have faced my worst fears. They have been thrown at me and forced me to deal with them. All the time I wasted scared of the moments I live in now. Sure, it isn't the best most ideal situation but I deal. And I realize it could always be worse. Always be worse. Eleven years ago, this life was my worst nightmare. Now I am living it. And it isn't so bad. Just yet. I pray. I believe I am healed and every three months I get to find out what is happening in my body. My prayers haven't been answered, or as I like to look at it, they have been answered, this is just the answer. I may have cancer still, but I am not hospital bound. I get to live my life everyday. I get to enjoy my life everyday. I may be on oxygen. I may have other problems I have to deal with in this life but I am still here. I still wake up every morning. I still see the sun shining, the rain raining, the grass growing. I'm still here. So I can't complain. I won't complain. Not today anyway. God has his plans for me and one day they will be fulfilled and my time here will be over. But not today.
For those wondering how I am doing, I am doing good! I started my new treatment and so far I just get fatigued more than usual with it. So that just means I nap more. No mouth sores just yet. No hair loss just yet. No hot flashes just yet. I have had some nausea and vomiting but I think that was from real low blood sugar. Damn diabetes. Apparently it can really suck. So now I am being careful and eating more often and hoping and praying it doesn't happen again. Speaking of, I should go eat something.