loss

I'm writing today because I need to write.  I just had a seizure so everything I was going to say is a little hazy.  I haven't had a seizure in a long time and I forgot how it affects you.  My body hurts, I'm slurry with my words, and everything about today is, like I said, a little hazy.

But I know I really wanted to write and had a passion for it, finding my laptop was top priority yesterday and I finally found it last night.  We just moved to a different apartment so everything is kind of everywhere right now.  

We have been so blessed with this move.  The church sent out some volunteers, some friends volunteered, and some family volunteered.  It was something so amazing to see.  I felt God's blessings upon us tremendously.  On the last day of the move (my birthday), the crew from church (a veterans group) bought lunch, a cake for my birthday, and a great piece for my den.  It was a great way to end the week of moving.  I've also had some great friends who have come and helped me unpack.  It's hard with all the junk I have and I really appreciate everyone's help!!!  Thank you!!!

I've had to all this while dealing with the loss of a loved sister.  A SurviveDat sister.  If you are a regular on this blog then you know already but if not SurviveDat is a group for young women with breast cancer.  We meet monthly, we chat on group me, and we all love each other dearly.  In August our sister, Cynara, cancer came back.  She had just started chemo and was having a rough time but nothing could have prepared me for October 13th, 2015.  The day we lost our angel.  She was one of my angels.  She helped me through some tough times.  All of the girls have helped me through tough times.  And Cynara was special.  She could take the worst news and spin it for the positive.  I truly can't believe this world lost her.  Her life spirit seemed like it would last forever.  It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.  Everytime I hear or see anything that reminds me of her, it hurts all over again.  Everytime any of her wisdom goes through my mind, it hurts some more.

And it pisses me off.  She is one person who was not supposed to die first.  I actually feel that way about everyone.  I feel like I should be the one who has passed.  I mean, why do I get to still be here when they don't.  I've been going through this the longest, it should be me.  She loved and appreciated life so much.  It's not fair.  I hate cancer.  It's been a little while since I have lost anyone to cancer.  The last person a sweet little girl who I was a Brownie Troop Leader for years ago.  She was in middle school and developed a form of brain cancer.  It was horrible.  Her name was Payton.  I can barely think about it without losing it.  I know it's survivor's guilt, and I know it's perfectly normal for me to feel this way.  But it still gets to me.  

I know death is probably the last thing you want to hear about, but it's a part of life.  

xoxoxo

shannon