I just read an article about a couple trying to get pregnant and it was so good. But there it was again, that little reminder that I never will again. Not that I am in any position to even think about something like that. I am a single mother battling cancer. A surprise that was given to me in 2005 and has gifted me (yes this is sarcasm) with eleven years (in June) of a nonstop fight for my life. Some do call their cancer a gift. I did, in fact, used to think this way as well. I have come to a point in my life where, yes I am thankful for the people it has brought in my life. I am thankful for the ability to spend more time with my daughter. I am thankful for a stronger faith in God (though I could have a stronger faith without cancer too, I will never know). I do know I have had to lean on him more in this life since cancer more than I probably ever would have without the diagnosis. There are different things cancer has brought me that I am thankful for, though I am not thankful for cancer itself.
Not to throw a pity party for myself, because I am not. I am not sad I am just stating facts in my life. But I would rather work and pay my own bills. I would rather be better and not on treatments. I would rather be able to leave the house without oxygen bottles. To be able to travel without the worry about oxygen. I would rather not be on food stamps. I would like to be thinking about dating and not just laugh at the possibility. Laugh because, in my experience, I am not what others are looking for in a mate. I want to think about the magic of having children and think it is a possibility for me to have more. Don't get me wrong, I am completely happy with my Madisyn, and I do not feel as though I am "missing" anything by not being able to have more children but I do, sometimes, wish it was a possibility. And who knows, I may meet someone who could love me for who I am, only God knows what is in my future. But we will never have children together. I wish I could work out. I wish I could drive myself where I need to go. I wish I could afford to do fun things, like travel. I wish I did not have to be in some sort of pain all the time. I wish a doctor would walk into the room and say the medicine worked. I wish cancer never fucking came that's what I wish. That it never invaded my life and my privacy and changed it all for good.
I am 36 years old, to be 37 in October and I spent the last 11 years fighting. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am ready for the miracle. I am ready for people to not see cancer when they look at me. I am ready for them to see me again. I am ready to stop seeing friends die from this disease and do not want to be the friend who died from this disease. I am aggravated. I feel like I always write about the same thing. Oh well.
So if you have not already figured it out, the tests said I had growth pretty much in all my tumors (except one I think) and a brand spanking new one on my right lung. Small but there. So we stopped that treatment and are going back to estrogen therapy. If you keep up with my blog you may remember us doing a biopsy on one of my tumors to redetermine the estrogen factor. It came back 15% Estrogen Receptor Positive. That is a weak receptor so we decided to go the chemo route last time. I think we may have used all the chemo I can do because she made it clear we do not have many options left after this and the best route to go was estrogen therapy on a 15% positive cancer. But she also said, we don't know, just because this one tumor is on the weak side of things doesn't necessarily mean all the tumors are on the weak side. So I am at the "I will do whatever you say" point so we are doing it.
One thing I love about this hospital, my doctors local and non local, and my journey is I have no regrets in my treatment. The only thing I kind of regret is not trying to raise $200,000 for the stem cell transplant they wanted me to do a ways back, because that is the only thing I haven't done. But for the most part, I regret nothing. My doctors have let me choose which way to go, what to do, and let me feel in control of this, the whole way. We have been a "team" and I have not been blindly following orders like I did when I was first diagnosed. I think that is something that helps me feel like I have done everything I can do. I won't stop until they say they have nothing else for me, even then I may just go to another hospital. It will be a tough decision to stop any treatment in the end, which I fear is coming closer than I want it to. I mean what other choice will I have when they tell me there is nothing else we can do? See why I am not thankful for cancer?
I am thankful for a lot of other things, just not cancer.
xoxoxoxo,
Shannon
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