The end of 2009

It has been a long time since i have blogged. My previous blogsites: caringbridge.org/visit/shannonbridges, carepages.com/carepages/shannonsfight

Lately I have been looking back over the past year. The end of the year is always a time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future. There is the wonder, the hope, the promise of better to come. The new year, another chance to make everything right.

When I think back on my past year, the year starting January 1, 2009, it feels like yesterday. In January I was finishing up three months of chemo that had started in November. In October of 2009 I had surgery to remove the remaining tumors that had resisted the clinical trial I participated in for nine months of 2008. Two tumors in my neck had responded to the point of not being visible anymore. The other 12+ tumors were still hanging around, fighting away all the medicine I was on. I spent the bulk of 2008 traveling back and forth to Houston, Texas to receive treatment in a clinical trial that was promising to kick my cancer's ass since Herceptin had failed the first time. After months of non-response, we scheduled surgery. In surgery the plan was to remove the remaining black blobs on my ultrasound. In the midst of Hurricane Gustav that rattled Baton Rouge and Houston, I was battling cancer, my fourth recurrance-or to use an easier term, metastatic breast cancer. Every time the cancer has gone away, been taken out, killed off by the poisens running through my body, or been nuked by radiation, every time, it had returned. This surgery was to be a new beginning for me. A chance to walk forward and never turn around to remember the past......again. Surgery number thirteen.....or wait twelve...wait, we don't include biopsies in this number do we? Whatever number it was, I was ready. Then came Hurricane Gustav. Surgery cancelled. Crap. A couple weeks later there I was, finally, the wait would be worth it.

Post op, November 2008. Ultrasound......Oops...tumors escaped from surgery. These little jerks managed to escape the surgeon's grasp. Two little black blobs sat there starring me in the face. What happened? How? With a don't dwell, move forward attitude we started treatment...again. I was put on two drugs, one called Taxol and Herceptin. I had been on Herceptin before for years and it was just a new way of approaching the Herceptin therapy in hopes that this time it would work. Treatment every week. Around this time I decide to go vegetarian.

So there I am, January 1, 2009, most probably nauseas, vomiting, constipation, diarrea, and speaking backwards. Yes thats what I said, my speech is retarded. Brain scans show nothing so it is just the side effects of the medicine. At some point I decide on more of a vegan form of diet. In February I had to return to Houston for a restaging. We got to do a million tests to see how the chemo is working, and then decide on therapy. Outcome was growth in tumors. Found a new one that they thought was probably not new, just a whole lot bigger and visable now....ok...whatever. So, we changed our treatment plan. This time to Taxol and a drug called Carboplatin, but this time i only had to go every three weeks. Yay! There is something positive! I speak with the Alternative therapy doctor there, learn some more about wheat grass and stuff, only to then find out that I can't have soy. My cancer is estrogen receptor postive...translation: estrogen makes my cancer grow....outcome of this appointment: no more soy....results of this outcome: no more vegan. There was also a major sick time in which I found out I was getting worse side effects and stuff because I wasn't getting enough nutrients with the vegan diet. You've got to work for your nutrients in that diet anyways, and to switch to that kind of diet while going through cancer treatment was probably stupid anyways. I would have to take major supplements if I wanted to try it again, so needless to say I haven't gone that route again yet.

So, there I was vegetarian.....wait no..vegan...crap....forget that...vegetarian...dangit....whatever my body will allow me to eat without making me vomit.

Through all these years of treatment, surgeries, radiation, and everything else under the sun being but into my body I was living with my parents. Not that bad of a setup. At first me and Madisyn had to share a room and a bed. Then they let us have our own rooms. Woo-Hoo! But seriously, I was a twenty something mother living with...her parents. The help was awesome. Mom would do my laundry, and eventually I let her do it without telling her she didn't need to do it...I learned to just accept the help. If I was sick mom would get her up and off to school. Good thing because by the time I started the chemo in November I would let her do it alot. Now, of course, that did not go over to well. There was alot of fighting about Madisyn, alot of fighting about the house, and alot of fighting about, well everything.

I am not sure if everyone gets a time in their lives where they get to find out who their friends are and how many friends they actually do have. I have been so lucky as to have been shown that over and over and over again. In February of 2009, I learned again. Through the magic of blogs through, facebook, myspace, caringbridge.org, and carepages.com and emails through all of my accounts, a couple of my friends accounts two of my friends found a place, raised the money to pay six months in advance in rent, and got me and Madisyn a place of our own. We hadn't lived on our own since February of 2006 when we moved home after I left my husband. With donations from people from freecycle.com, different stuff from different people, and my friend's used furniture store that closed, my place was furnished. No, maybe it didn't all match, but it was all ours. April 1, 2009 our place was ours. Right after we moved in I got to go back to Houston for another restaging. This time....better news....no change...yes, that is good news...this means no growth...so I stay on Carboplatin and Taxol.

In June of 2009 I return to Houston. Because of the side effects that I started having...numbness in hands and feet, potentially could be wide spread and permanet, we change chemo and schedule surgery. I start on Gemzar and Herceptin. Yes, somehow I get put on Herceptin again. I don't know why we decided to do that. I think it was because we just needed something for me to be on before surgery....but seriously I don't remember. We schedule for August of 2009. I return to Houston in July for some more tests. No change in tumors, but I get diagnosed with Stage 1 heart failure. Great. Lets add cardiology to my regular doctor appointment list.

When I return for my pre op appointments I get the go ahead from cardiology, and every other doctor possible. Finally I go and get my ultrasound. As always I make them check anything that I don't like in my chest. Yay! The lump that bothers me is not cancerous! Woo-Hoo! Oh crap, they want to check something they find will looking at my noncancerous lump. Embedded in my chest and growing into my right reconstructed breast is.....yes...cancer....again. In one of my new boobs. What???

Ok, so, yes this happens. I new it was a possibility, and I knew the very little percentage it was that actually had this happen...so yes....you are right....I should have seen this one coming. Only me. That has been my motto with this cancer journey. If there is the slight possiblility just know that with me, it is a large possibility.

What does this new tumor mean to me? No surgery. Cancelled. "Does not respond to surgical intervention."

Now what? They speak to me about a stem cell transplant. Ok, how much....$200,000....paid up front....HA! My $800 in disability will not cover that, sorry! So we switch to a drug called Xeloda and Tykerb. Both are oral drugs....Yippeeeeee! I start off with 13 pills of chemo a day for one week, then just the five Tykerb for one week, repeat. Bad bad side effects. Worse chemo ever. October of 2009 I have my first (and only at this point) seizure. Weird experience to say the least. I finally find a doctor I like and get on the right medicine in December. On November I return to Houston for restaging.....................................CANCER RESPONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The wait has definately been worth it to hear those words. They lower my dose to only seven Xeloda a day and four Tykerb one week, then a week of only four Tykerb, then repeat.

That brings us to now. Days before Christmas. Reflecting. Where did my year go? Gone to cancer, once again. Here's to 2010.