Just me

I have been depressed.  In fact I have battled a lifetime of depression since my hormones kicked in.  Fortunately I never succumbed to wanting to give up.  After I had Madisyn she gave me a reason to live.  I still battled daily and tried different medications for depression but to no avail.  Recently I went to my first psychiatrist ever.  After an forty five minutes of talking she diagnosed me as bipolar.  Whether I have always been bipolar or not I don't know but she put me on a new medication.  For the first time in my life I haven't  had constant thoughts of suicide.  It has been great but just recently I have been sliding down course again.  I know its not a cure and I will still have ups and downs but for the first time in my life I feel the need to tell you guys about it.

I have gone through five years of chemo, most days still wishing I could just die.  I would think to myself, why the chemo if I want to die?  I never had a good answer for myself.  I would tell myself I have my baby to be here for, my family and friends, but in the end I would still be thinking about dying.  It wasn't that I even wanted to be dead, I just wanted to be free.  Free from the constant worries in my head.  Free from the constant feeling of not being good enough for anyone.  Free from the worries of my weight, what I looked like, what people thought of me, and the constant feel of judging I always felt.

I'm not saying its all gone right now.  I am just saying its better.  Madisyn and I had a great weekend, hitting the Susan Komen Race for the Cure Saturday morning and then on to the parade downtown Baton Rouge.  We put pink coloring in our hair, sprayed ourselves with glitter, brought along our little dog, Bella, and met up with our friend Danielle and two of her kids and had a genuine good time.  I used to do stuff but always in the back of my head be in a hole wishing I wasn't there.  Where did I want to go?  I have no idea.  I would feel that way at home too so that couldn't have been where I wanted to be.

Things started to get better when I met someone so awesome.  My friend, Liz, she has carried me through some deep holes in which others backed away from me.  She showed me that I am an awesome person, friend, no matter what I looked like or how much cancer I have, or what kind of mood I am in.  Both Danielle and Liz have helped so much in accepting myself for who I am.  I have tons of others to thank, Nikki , Elizabeth, Delynn, Dino, and anonymous people from church for everything they help me with on a day to day basis.  I have friends that I don't see as much as I want to but they know I love them, Leigh Anne, Lauren, Leslie, Elisa, Dominick, Casey B&L, Michelle, Dawn, and the list could go on.  I miss my best friend that I had for a whole lifetime until one day we got into a fight and have had trouble even being civil to each other.  One day maybe we will be able to move forward Kelly.  To my family for accepting me, even if they aren't to fond of the person I am, thanks.

I was able to live in the moment and live my life this weekend.  It was a good feeling.  Maybe telling you guys about it will pick me back up from going down this hill I seem to be going towards.  Maybe this can help someone else.  I don't know.  But thanks for listening.

Shannon