So this week I got a few things accomplished. I had my GYN appointment to finally talk about my hysterectomy. I have spent years waiting for this moment. My whole chemo time was spent waiting to finish so I could go have a hysterectomy. I have been completely comfortable with this decision. Throughout these years I have known that this surgery is needed because the estrogen created from these parts of my body is literally killing me. Every once of estrogen that makes it through all the medications is feed to my cancer cells and helps them to kill me. So, from the beginning...the goal...have a hysterectomy. Sure I, at one point, wanted to possibly, maybe have a kid one day. Even though, after Madisyn I swore I would never have another kid. Being a single mom from day one, I told myself never again. Although, briefly while in a long relationship, I did ponder the thought of having more kids. Well, then I got cancer. The first time I had cancer I begged them for this procedure. No after no after no. I was too young. I might change my mind in ten years and bring on a lawsuit or deeply regret my decision. My defense has always been, I can always adopt one day. I would rather be here for the one child I have then to take the absolutely huge chance that when I get pregnant one day, all that wonderful estrogen may feed my cancer and cause it to spread all over. Fuel it like crazy. Well, from what I understand it is not the same for others. Others feel that even though their cancer is estrogen recepter positive they will chance their life for the possibility that maybe they will have kids. Well, in some way I understand, but at this point in my life, that is not even an option. I have chanced it this long and look how that has worked...guys, I still have plenty of cancer..if you want some I have some to spare.
The worse is when I talk with ladies who have had to have a hysterectomy for other reasons. They have constant pains, or benign tumors, or for whatever reason. Some have even had the nerve to tell me "at least I have a choice in the matter." Something I think people fail to understand is, sure, yeah I did end up making the decision that yes, life is more important then having children. I chose between life and death. What made you make the decision for your hysterectomy? Life or Death? Not saying I am holding anything against anyone who may have slipped up and say something like that to me, just wanting people to try and put yourself in my shoes once in awhile and the life and death decisions I continue to make day after day after day. The battle that I continue to fight everyday with decisions like this all the time. Is it a choice? In some sense I guess so, but when the other option is death, i.e. feeding cancer cells and making them stronger, then yes I do "choose" to have this hysterectomy.
So while at the GYN's office I realized how much I appreciate how I have all my doctors in a cancer hospital. The whole hospital is full of pregnant women here. Not just the floor but every person there with ovaries has a baby in their belly. That, well is my sore spot. I have made the decision but it doesn't mean I am happy with it. I get to look at all those glorious people going through a glorious time in life. I mean what is better then having a baby? I know there are alot of circumstances that preface a woman becoming pregnant. But I still am jealous of every single woman in there. I know it is something that I have years to work on but every now and then if something catches me on the right day I will have a day like I did the other day. I felt like I may actually be growling at every one of these people. I must look crazy. Then the while in my appointment, the GYN looks me in the eye and says, "if I were you I would tell them take it all out. But I am required to tell you all the reasons not to have this done. Because all of the gene tests have come back negative, this surgery really is considered "elective"' (are u frickin kidding me???!!!) She continues to tell me that "I am young and one day I might want to have another kid." Well being me, I said "I have cancer, I will always have cancer, I am ok with that fact. My cancer feeds off the estrogen in my body, so definately my ovaries. Why keep in an organ that I will never use and also has the ability to grow cancer? So lets take the uterus too" She then replies, "yes but you don't have the gene that gives you a higher chance to have uterine cancer." To which I replied, " yeah, so I have about as much chance of getting uterine cancer as I did at getting breast cancer at 25." Fortunately for me she is a lady with a sense of humor. She smiled and said, "like I said I would do it if I were you."
I left there feeling pretty confident again about my decision. Still, I have that nagging crankiness to every "family" or "expecting family" I may see. Don't take it personally guys, like I said before, I am totally cool with dealing with my life as is, and if one day the matter does come up, I will more then be happy to adopt, plus whoever I would think this with would love me and be completely ok with it.
So if you have seen me lately and I haven't been myself then just know, I am working through a few things and just give me time to work through them.
Thanks for being here for me all through these years guys, I appreciate all the support and love all of you. Next blog I will tell you more about what is next for me cancerwise but that is all the energy I have for now and all of you probably lost your attenting span already.
The worse is when I talk with ladies who have had to have a hysterectomy for other reasons. They have constant pains, or benign tumors, or for whatever reason. Some have even had the nerve to tell me "at least I have a choice in the matter." Something I think people fail to understand is, sure, yeah I did end up making the decision that yes, life is more important then having children. I chose between life and death. What made you make the decision for your hysterectomy? Life or Death? Not saying I am holding anything against anyone who may have slipped up and say something like that to me, just wanting people to try and put yourself in my shoes once in awhile and the life and death decisions I continue to make day after day after day. The battle that I continue to fight everyday with decisions like this all the time. Is it a choice? In some sense I guess so, but when the other option is death, i.e. feeding cancer cells and making them stronger, then yes I do "choose" to have this hysterectomy.
So while at the GYN's office I realized how much I appreciate how I have all my doctors in a cancer hospital. The whole hospital is full of pregnant women here. Not just the floor but every person there with ovaries has a baby in their belly. That, well is my sore spot. I have made the decision but it doesn't mean I am happy with it. I get to look at all those glorious people going through a glorious time in life. I mean what is better then having a baby? I know there are alot of circumstances that preface a woman becoming pregnant. But I still am jealous of every single woman in there. I know it is something that I have years to work on but every now and then if something catches me on the right day I will have a day like I did the other day. I felt like I may actually be growling at every one of these people. I must look crazy. Then the while in my appointment, the GYN looks me in the eye and says, "if I were you I would tell them take it all out. But I am required to tell you all the reasons not to have this done. Because all of the gene tests have come back negative, this surgery really is considered "elective"' (are u frickin kidding me???!!!) She continues to tell me that "I am young and one day I might want to have another kid." Well being me, I said "I have cancer, I will always have cancer, I am ok with that fact. My cancer feeds off the estrogen in my body, so definately my ovaries. Why keep in an organ that I will never use and also has the ability to grow cancer? So lets take the uterus too" She then replies, "yes but you don't have the gene that gives you a higher chance to have uterine cancer." To which I replied, " yeah, so I have about as much chance of getting uterine cancer as I did at getting breast cancer at 25." Fortunately for me she is a lady with a sense of humor. She smiled and said, "like I said I would do it if I were you."
I left there feeling pretty confident again about my decision. Still, I have that nagging crankiness to every "family" or "expecting family" I may see. Don't take it personally guys, like I said before, I am totally cool with dealing with my life as is, and if one day the matter does come up, I will more then be happy to adopt, plus whoever I would think this with would love me and be completely ok with it.
So if you have seen me lately and I haven't been myself then just know, I am working through a few things and just give me time to work through them.
Thanks for being here for me all through these years guys, I appreciate all the support and love all of you. Next blog I will tell you more about what is next for me cancerwise but that is all the energy I have for now and all of you probably lost your attenting span already.
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