like me, love me, hate me

I want to start with, thank you.  I've had such a positive response to my writings.  Messages from some of you, some of you have been my cheerleaders, and some of you have in turn, shared your story with me.  For all of that, thank you.  Life is hard.  We all know that.  We don't have to do it alone.  I'm not talking about significant others but sometimes just a friend can change your day.  Give it a try.  I am currently accepting friend applications.  Please contact me at....just kidding!  No applications necessary!  

I had SurviveDat last night, I'm not sure if I mentioned it yesterday.  SurviveDat is a support group for young woman with breast cancer and let me tell you, yesterday's meeting couldn't have come at a better time.  They all let me cry it out.  They let me talk about everything and didn't judge or turn away or cut me off.  They waited till I was composed enough to talk, and then they listened.  They all put themselves in my shoes and felt my pain.  

My prayer tonight is I wish every single one of you has at least one person in your life you can do that with.  It's hard when you are a single parent, I know not only because I've been living it for umpteen years but because I've talked to others too.  It's hard to have someone to trust, someone you put your faith in to be your best friend.  Because it hurts when it ends.  No matter how it ends, and somewhere along the way, I for one, have become a closed door.  I rarely let anyone new in and when it happens it's because they banged on the door and put their foot in the door before I could close it (metaphorically).  It's something some either know about me, or they don't. 

I wear a pretty good mask, a lot.  Kind of proud of it.  No matter what I could always get away with saying I'm fine.  My mask has become a little wrinkly.  My TMJ has done it's damage and I'm not sure if my face even smiles anymore.  That's something (well something similar) I spoke about in group last night.  I miss my old self, but I even miss the post cancer me that was positive.  I sure had a cherry time in my life and I wonder how I have come to where I am.  It has a lot to do with the hurt and pain in all aspects of my life.  I'm trying to find my way out of that mask, out of this hole and back out into life.  

So I hope you enjoy the ride.  Who knows what you will get from this bipolar with major depression syndrome, high anxiety, epileptic,diabetic, cancer chick in heart failure will have to say on a day to day basis.  I'm kind of scared because I refuse to edit and reread before I post.  Or I won't post it at all.  I'll keep trying to fix it.  So you get what you get from me.  Like me, love me, or hate me, it's up to you.  I just hope you keep coming back for more.

xo