First thing is parenting. Unfortunately we don't have the ability to make out children see themselves the way we see them and their beauty from the outside in. But at the same time we can't make them want to become better people. We can't make them want it. And there is just nothing you can do. You can't stand over them at all times and tell them what the right decision is, You can't make them do what they are supposed to do. You can't make them listen to you. It is frustrating, aggravating, and I get so pissed off sometimes. I get sad sometimes. So many freaking emotions and no where to put them. No directions on how to get through it. Panic attacks all around. Smiles and laughter one minute, arguing and tears the next. I guess this is what we call family. Wouldn't trade it for the world, I just wish I was better at it.
Now for a completely different attitude and complete change of subject. Another one of those things swirling around in my head trying to make sense of it all. This is good though. Good thoughts and feelings
Lately I have been lucky enough to have been able to spend time with many different people lately. I participate in a group for young women diagnosed with breast cancer called SurviveDat. If you remember I had to stop the Pink Princesses because I started getting sick and unable to make the meetings which made it impossible to run the meetings. I tried asking a few different people about being someone who regularly makes the meetings so the meetings could still happen when I couldn't go but in the end, I couldn't find anyone and I had to stop the group. In coincidence it was noticed that there had been a rise in young women with breast cancer and LSU and Mary Bird Perkins, and others (I really can't remember the details) applied for a grant to start something of the same nature and it happened! Yay! So it's something I get to participate in and not worry about it at all. I just get to enjoy. I've met some amazing women through this opportunity and I get to think of them as friends. I attend meetings broken sometimes and leave whole again. If any of you are in the category of young women diagnosed with breast cancer or know someone, contact me and I can give you the info.
In my last blog I told you about my girls night out to the LSU basketball game and I wanted to bring it up again because I had so much fun. It was so good to get out and spend time with people I love. Also my ten year cancerversary rocked and being surrounded by so many people I love was so special to me. All of you that I couldn't imagine my life without you. Just the memories make my heart swell with the love that I felt that day.
On my trip to Texas, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I stayed overnight on Thursday with my aunt and uncle in Kingwood, Texas. I've told you about them before. It's where we always stay when we have to go to M.D. Andersons. This time being there felt so special. I tried to memorize the little details of them. The love those two people have for each other is unparalleled. I mean my parents love each other but it's a different love and a different situation completely. My uncle respects my aunt and I look at them and I see a team. It's relationships like that, the team relationships that amaze me. I've never experienced anything like it and getting to see it almost feels like an intrusion into their world. I feel lucky go see it I guess you could say. Because you don't see it too often. What's weird is I can now count quite a few couples into that category. Maybe it's just because we are getting older. I know no couple is perfect and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors but I feel like I do. It was great spending time, even though it was a little bit time, it still was nice.
I took a break from writing this blog for a day because it got harder to write. My mind has been so off in it's own world right now but I'm getting through it.
On Friday, after my appointments, we met up with my brother, Casey, his wife, Yen, and their little man, Nolan. We met up with them for dinner and we spent a nice time catching up. This couple is another couple who I see as a team. Maybe it's just on the outside but I've watched their relationship and it's grown to one that I adore. I'm so proud of them, they just bought a house, in Cypress, Texas. It is beautiful. They let us stay over there Friday night. It was fun playing with my nephew, he just turned a year in January. I liked watching my mom playing with him. She's so damn good with kids. Saturday morning I got to play a little with Nolan, finally. I swear we have so much family that during holidays I barely see the babies, everyone is gushing over them. They are the cutest babies in the world, so I understand. What I was trying to get at was that I loved spending time with my brother and his family, I felt so honored to be a part of his life. It was only one night, definitely not enough time, but I enjoyed the time I was there. Even though the whole time thoughts were swirling in my head about my M.D. Anderson's appointment, I still was able to enjoy myself.
Saturday afternoon was the best though. My friend, Mrs. Kelly Bowman, brought me out to lunch. After my agonizing over what to get (for some reason I find that to be the hardest thing in the whole world to do) we got to do some visiting. I hadn't seen Kelly in such a long time. I used to be able to drive out to see her but I have stopped driving so all the fun parts of my trips stopped. It was major depressing going to Houston. I knew that I could go nowhere. Do nothing. But this time she came to me! Yay! It was so good to visit and talk about what has happened in our lives since the last time we had seen each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It ended way too soon. She had to go to her daughter's play and I had to leave to go back home. So we reluctantly said goodbye but not before she gave me a super cool headband that she made for me and a little wallet too! It's all so cute. She also had bought me some dresses back when I decided to start wearing dresses everyday and they are so cute! I have grown since she bought them but I know I will get back down to that size so I can't wait to wear them! She also slipped some goodies into the wallet she gave me! I miss being able to see her regularly. There was a time when we lived together, us and all our kids. She taught me alot about being a mom. I learned so much from her. It was back when Madisyn was one and she had a two and a four year old. We both worked at Copelands Cheesecake Bistro, then at Outback. Those were the days lol. I do miss it. All the teamwork parenting that went on there. So it was sad to say goodbye. All of our children are teenagers and in high school now. It's crazy.
Then there's my mom. You guys know how much I love my mom and all she does for me. I won't go into it again right now.
Now I'm going to get into the actual trip to M.D. Anderson's. What can I say? I just need to find the words. Well, I already told you the tumors have grown, pretty much doubled in size, one mass so large they can't even measure it because it goes off of the visible area. This one is a mass of many tumors, so big, with so much, they can't count the lymphnodes involved because it's so large. Well I also told you guys about my new tumor. It's so crazy. I didn't see that coming. I knew they were all growing, I mean I can feel some and feel them more and know they are bigger. Every time I seemed to have new tumors I always just knew. Call it a sixth sense, intuition, whatever but I pretty much always knew. But this. I never saw this coming. It's palpable too. But it's in my fake breast on the right hand side where I am also numb on the part of my arm the brushes it. So without me ever noticing it grew. It's so weird because I check my breasts. And I still never found.it. So that's has been messing with my head some.
The other part that's been messing with my head is the appointment with the doctor itself. My new doctor is very sweet, knowledgeable, and personable. All great qualities in a person, but what about her doctor abilities? She impressed me so much. The day I scheduled the appointment she called me to learn about me, learn about what's not in the file, and what had happened since the last time I was at M.D Andersons. Then during my appointment with her she literally has a typed up summary of my history that she refers to many times during our engagement. Amazing. It's the part where we go over the results of the tests and the treatment choices that has been messing with me. We agreed that the treatment I have been on is not working and I should stop it. We are going to stop targeting the Her2 protein, and the estrogen factor because, well, they aren't working. We've done many treatments in those areas and none of it worked. So as we are talking treatment options and I'm realizing that I don't have many. Because of my heart failure I am not qualified for clinical trials and many other treatment options. That left us with not much. She also spoke of discontinuing treatment and just treating symptoms. This is what has been messing with me. Am I really there? I of course said no way, I'm not there yet! But it has still been wiggling itself into my mind and taking over. Am I really at a point where out of two options one is to do nothing? It was the first time I'd ever been asked about that and so I find it echoing in my head. But one thing is for sure. If I ever wondered if it would just be better not being on medicine I know for damn sure that it's not and I'm going to keep going until I stop. Stopping medicine feels like giving up for me. My tumors would definitely be growing and I would just be doing nothing. It makes no sense to me. I need to try and try and try and try. I can't jut stop. Everyone has their own opinion about this, I know. Some would choose the no treatment option, it's okay if you feel that way. Me, I, just have a different opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own. So if you have been around me the past few days and I have been a little "off", this is why. My brain is fu$%&*ed.
Thank for listening,
Shannon
Now for a completely different attitude and complete change of subject. Another one of those things swirling around in my head trying to make sense of it all. This is good though. Good thoughts and feelings
Lately I have been lucky enough to have been able to spend time with many different people lately. I participate in a group for young women diagnosed with breast cancer called SurviveDat. If you remember I had to stop the Pink Princesses because I started getting sick and unable to make the meetings which made it impossible to run the meetings. I tried asking a few different people about being someone who regularly makes the meetings so the meetings could still happen when I couldn't go but in the end, I couldn't find anyone and I had to stop the group. In coincidence it was noticed that there had been a rise in young women with breast cancer and LSU and Mary Bird Perkins, and others (I really can't remember the details) applied for a grant to start something of the same nature and it happened! Yay! So it's something I get to participate in and not worry about it at all. I just get to enjoy. I've met some amazing women through this opportunity and I get to think of them as friends. I attend meetings broken sometimes and leave whole again. If any of you are in the category of young women diagnosed with breast cancer or know someone, contact me and I can give you the info.
In my last blog I told you about my girls night out to the LSU basketball game and I wanted to bring it up again because I had so much fun. It was so good to get out and spend time with people I love. Also my ten year cancerversary rocked and being surrounded by so many people I love was so special to me. All of you that I couldn't imagine my life without you. Just the memories make my heart swell with the love that I felt that day.
On my trip to Texas, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I stayed overnight on Thursday with my aunt and uncle in Kingwood, Texas. I've told you about them before. It's where we always stay when we have to go to M.D. Andersons. This time being there felt so special. I tried to memorize the little details of them. The love those two people have for each other is unparalleled. I mean my parents love each other but it's a different love and a different situation completely. My uncle respects my aunt and I look at them and I see a team. It's relationships like that, the team relationships that amaze me. I've never experienced anything like it and getting to see it almost feels like an intrusion into their world. I feel lucky go see it I guess you could say. Because you don't see it too often. What's weird is I can now count quite a few couples into that category. Maybe it's just because we are getting older. I know no couple is perfect and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors but I feel like I do. It was great spending time, even though it was a little bit time, it still was nice.
I took a break from writing this blog for a day because it got harder to write. My mind has been so off in it's own world right now but I'm getting through it.
On Friday, after my appointments, we met up with my brother, Casey, his wife, Yen, and their little man, Nolan. We met up with them for dinner and we spent a nice time catching up. This couple is another couple who I see as a team. Maybe it's just on the outside but I've watched their relationship and it's grown to one that I adore. I'm so proud of them, they just bought a house, in Cypress, Texas. It is beautiful. They let us stay over there Friday night. It was fun playing with my nephew, he just turned a year in January. I liked watching my mom playing with him. She's so damn good with kids. Saturday morning I got to play a little with Nolan, finally. I swear we have so much family that during holidays I barely see the babies, everyone is gushing over them. They are the cutest babies in the world, so I understand. What I was trying to get at was that I loved spending time with my brother and his family, I felt so honored to be a part of his life. It was only one night, definitely not enough time, but I enjoyed the time I was there. Even though the whole time thoughts were swirling in my head about my M.D. Anderson's appointment, I still was able to enjoy myself.
Saturday afternoon was the best though. My friend, Mrs. Kelly Bowman, brought me out to lunch. After my agonizing over what to get (for some reason I find that to be the hardest thing in the whole world to do) we got to do some visiting. I hadn't seen Kelly in such a long time. I used to be able to drive out to see her but I have stopped driving so all the fun parts of my trips stopped. It was major depressing going to Houston. I knew that I could go nowhere. Do nothing. But this time she came to me! Yay! It was so good to visit and talk about what has happened in our lives since the last time we had seen each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It ended way too soon. She had to go to her daughter's play and I had to leave to go back home. So we reluctantly said goodbye but not before she gave me a super cool headband that she made for me and a little wallet too! It's all so cute. She also had bought me some dresses back when I decided to start wearing dresses everyday and they are so cute! I have grown since she bought them but I know I will get back down to that size so I can't wait to wear them! She also slipped some goodies into the wallet she gave me! I miss being able to see her regularly. There was a time when we lived together, us and all our kids. She taught me alot about being a mom. I learned so much from her. It was back when Madisyn was one and she had a two and a four year old. We both worked at Copelands Cheesecake Bistro, then at Outback. Those were the days lol. I do miss it. All the teamwork parenting that went on there. So it was sad to say goodbye. All of our children are teenagers and in high school now. It's crazy.
Then there's my mom. You guys know how much I love my mom and all she does for me. I won't go into it again right now.
Now I'm going to get into the actual trip to M.D. Anderson's. What can I say? I just need to find the words. Well, I already told you the tumors have grown, pretty much doubled in size, one mass so large they can't even measure it because it goes off of the visible area. This one is a mass of many tumors, so big, with so much, they can't count the lymphnodes involved because it's so large. Well I also told you guys about my new tumor. It's so crazy. I didn't see that coming. I knew they were all growing, I mean I can feel some and feel them more and know they are bigger. Every time I seemed to have new tumors I always just knew. Call it a sixth sense, intuition, whatever but I pretty much always knew. But this. I never saw this coming. It's palpable too. But it's in my fake breast on the right hand side where I am also numb on the part of my arm the brushes it. So without me ever noticing it grew. It's so weird because I check my breasts. And I still never found.it. So that's has been messing with my head some.
The other part that's been messing with my head is the appointment with the doctor itself. My new doctor is very sweet, knowledgeable, and personable. All great qualities in a person, but what about her doctor abilities? She impressed me so much. The day I scheduled the appointment she called me to learn about me, learn about what's not in the file, and what had happened since the last time I was at M.D Andersons. Then during my appointment with her she literally has a typed up summary of my history that she refers to many times during our engagement. Amazing. It's the part where we go over the results of the tests and the treatment choices that has been messing with me. We agreed that the treatment I have been on is not working and I should stop it. We are going to stop targeting the Her2 protein, and the estrogen factor because, well, they aren't working. We've done many treatments in those areas and none of it worked. So as we are talking treatment options and I'm realizing that I don't have many. Because of my heart failure I am not qualified for clinical trials and many other treatment options. That left us with not much. She also spoke of discontinuing treatment and just treating symptoms. This is what has been messing with me. Am I really there? I of course said no way, I'm not there yet! But it has still been wiggling itself into my mind and taking over. Am I really at a point where out of two options one is to do nothing? It was the first time I'd ever been asked about that and so I find it echoing in my head. But one thing is for sure. If I ever wondered if it would just be better not being on medicine I know for damn sure that it's not and I'm going to keep going until I stop. Stopping medicine feels like giving up for me. My tumors would definitely be growing and I would just be doing nothing. It makes no sense to me. I need to try and try and try and try. I can't jut stop. Everyone has their own opinion about this, I know. Some would choose the no treatment option, it's okay if you feel that way. Me, I, just have a different opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own. So if you have been around me the past few days and I have been a little "off", this is why. My brain is fu$%&*ed.
Thank for listening,
Shannon
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