it could be worse.

So, today marks the eleventh anniversary of my marriage.  Haha.  As many of you know, I haven't been married for a long time.  But fortunately, my ex and I actually get along better than we ever have these days.  Better than when we were together.  Being the type of guy he is, he stayed in our lives because of Madisyn.  We met when she was just over a year and by the time she was two she was calling him dada.  So when we decided to call it quits when she was just five, he didn't want to lose her.  And I didn't want, yet another, dad to turn his back on her.  Though it was hard at times we kept it together and kept the relationship (their relationship) together.  He treats her better than he treats anyone in this world and really brings out the best in him.  We are lucky to still have this man in our lives.  We have definitely had rough patches and will probably have more in the future but all in all I thank God for his presence in our lives.  For one, Madisyn has someone to call dad, to love and be loved, and to turn to when she can't turn to me.  I have someone to go to when I don't know where to turn, if I am having problems with Madisyn or if I am just having problems.  Sometimes I may wish that he wasn't around but for the most part he is one of  my best friends.  Through it all he has stuck around and that is saying something.  He could had said, "screw this", a long time ago, but he didn't.  I have definitely said, "screw this", a time or two, and he still stuck around.  So, thank you Casey.  No, I don't talk about you in my blogs usually but here you go, this is for you. He is a father when he didn't have to be and we love and appreciate him for it. In fact we love his whole family who has always accepted us into the family.  He also has a girlfriend, Janna, who helps us out when she can too.  We love her probably more than him.  Kidding Casey.

 This month also marks the eleventh anniversary of having cancer.  That's right.  On my wedding day I was waiting to get in to see a doctor about a huge lump in my breast that I had no doubt was cancer.  I spent the day trying to spend as much time with everyone that I could because I felt like my life was coming to an end soon.  The only people I had ever known with cancer had passed except one so I didn't have high hopes for my battle.  I tried to memorize every moment of that day because I knew I had a battle coming and I would need these good memories to look back on.  Some points I found myself just watching all my loved ones.  My family, my friends.  I just sat back and watched.  At the end of the day I stayed and visited with all my family that had come into town just to see me get married while my husband went to hang out with his friends.  We weren't very conventional.  But I don't regret it.  I was happy to spend time with everyone, taking in every moment.  It was like a party to celebrate the end of one life and the beginning of the new life I was about to start.  I'm not talking about my new married life either.  Then when it came time for our honeymoon, I had the biopsy just before and the weekend in New Orleans was spent wondering what was going to happen next.  I knew it was cancer.  I knew my life was about to change.  I'm not sure Casey did.  He kept up a positive front, but I knew.  And the week after our honeymoon, on a Friday afternoon, we went to the doctor, with Madisyn in my lap, and were told, "Yes, it's cancer."  After that doctor's appointment we went out to eat.  To Outback Steakhouse.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We didn't talk much and I spent most of the evening watching others around me and wondering what it was like to be them.  I wondered what, and if, anyone else had some life changing news 30 minutes ago.  I wished I could turn back time and life be like it was before.  I wondered what it was like to be worry free.  To not have the words cancer in your life.  I had already forgotten what that was like.  It felt like I was suffocating, the world was shrinking, and I was mad.  Mad that I couldn't be carefree and laughing and having a good time.  I didn't share any of this with my new husband.  I kept it bottled inside which made for a very awkward evening.  I did learn that putting up a brave front probably isn't the best idea in a relationship.  That is probably the one person you should be talking to about it and if you can't talk to them about it then you are probably in a bad relationship (ahem).  What is great is that we can talk about things now.  For the most part anyway. 

That first year was probably one of the hardest I had.  The fear of the unknown really drove me crazy.  I cried, all the time.  Every time I was alone.  In the car, in the shower, with my daughter (she was little, she didn't count, I felt I could cry in front of her, a lot of times she made it better with a hug), just always.  I was scared.  So scared.  I didn't want to leave my baby girl.  It has gotten easier over the past eleven years.  I have faced my worst fears.  They have been thrown at me and forced me to deal with them.  All the time I wasted scared of the moments I live in now.  Sure, it isn't the best most ideal situation but I deal.  And I realize it could always be worse.  Always be worse.  Eleven years ago, this life was my worst nightmare.  Now I am living it.  And it isn't so bad.  Just yet.  I pray.  I believe I am healed and every three months I get to find out what is happening in my body.  My prayers haven't been answered, or as I like to look at it, they have been answered, this is just the answer.  I may have cancer still, but I am not hospital bound.  I get to live my life everyday.  I get to enjoy my life everyday.  I may be on oxygen.  I may have other problems I have to deal with in this life but I am still here.  I still wake up every morning.  I still see the sun shining, the rain raining, the grass growing.  I'm still here.  So I can't complain.  I won't complain.  Not today anyway.  God has his plans for me and one day they will be fulfilled and my time here will be over.  But not today.

For those wondering how I am doing, I am doing good!  I started my new treatment and so far I just get fatigued more than usual with it.  So that just means I nap more.  No mouth sores just yet.  No hair loss just yet.  No hot flashes just yet.  I have had some nausea and vomiting but I think that was from real low blood sugar.  Damn diabetes.  Apparently it can really suck.  So now I am being careful and eating more often and hoping and praying it doesn't happen again.  Speaking of, I should go eat something.

xoxoxoxoxo

Shannon

Labryinths

So earlier today I had a thought.  While watching a preview for a movie about a girl with cancer and the guy she meets and enjoys life with before she dies, I couldn't help but wonder, "When's my story going to start?"

Don't ask me why I thought that or where it came from.  I know my story has started and every day it continues on, but watching that preview I felt anger.  Anger towards cancer, anger towards life, anger towards circumstance, anger towards anything and everything.  Fact is I haven't dated, like really dated, since I left my husband in 2006.  Everyone likes to remind me that I have had alot going on since then but then I see all these dramatic films about cancer patients and they all meet these amazing partners that they share their life with until the end.  I sat there staring at the screen, crying.  Crying not about the preview but about my own life.  If I didn't have company I would have ran straight to my room, thrown my head in my pillow and cried.  Half of me wanted to do that the other half wanted to run outside and live.  Granted it was 10:30 on a Sunday night and there probably wasn't much going on.  For the past six years I have watched as other peoples' lives continue forward while my life has come full circle since the year 2001.  In 2001 I lived in these same apartments that I now live in again.  At that point I was a single mom with no thoughts of dating but at the same point wishing I could meet someone.  I was broke but making enough money to pay the bills and feed us.  Since the year 2005 I have pretty much just gone from living in one place to living in another.  I am stuck in a rut and I need to break out. 

I decided to start writing books.  Well, I have started a few but didn't want to go any further because I wanted a computer to do it on so I won't have to end up typing anyways.  Unfortunately I just don't have good luck with things like electronics.  We finally got the computer my friend Leigh Anne had given us (one she was getting rid of) to start working and I thought we had it figured out.  Well it lets Madisyn do most of her school but when I get on it the computer just stops working for me.  Right now I am on my friend Will's laptop and if he blinks I am stealing it.  I can't seem to figure out if buying a laptop is a necessity or not.  I want to write to make money but without a working computer it kind of feels impossible.  I can type faster then I write and my thoughts flow fast so typing helps me keep up with myself.  I found a company here that refurbishes old laptops and sells to low income people for $200.  I am also going to a Dave Ramsey course who is telling me that I have to pay off everything before I make decisions like that but it's like a catch 22.  Frustrating. 

I know alot of my frustration stems from being stuck in this rut and having trouble finding my way out.  The cancer, the overwhelming money problems, the swelling in my arms for which I am back in physical therapy for, the pain and aggravation from that and the oddly placed tumors that are a neverending reminder that yep, I have cancer, the stress of being a single mom to an 11 year old daughter, the wondering if, am I, Shannon, actually someone somebody could fall in love with, the awareness that I actually am happy being single and the knowledge that I may not live long enough to experience real love, the wondering what am I going to feed my child tonight, I know I can go without but I know she expects meals, the stress of a car that refuses to stay working no matter how much it gets worked on, the knowledge that I may never see California, or France, or Italy, or Australia, or Canada, or New York, or the Grand Canyon, or ever have a real vacation again.  I wonder why, of all people, can get cancer over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, also get lymphodema in both arms, not one but both. Always wondering about my epilepsy, heart failure, cancer and everything else I am fighting.  I have gotten so sick at times that the only reason I think I am alive is because during times of fighting the urge to go unconscious I pray harder then ever and God sees me through.  I've felt myself knock on deaths windows more then once and I am still alive.  Once I start feeling better I get randomnly sick again, even now while off of the hard chemo.  For two weeks, maybe more, my sense of time is warped, I went from sickness to sickness.  Everyday was new problems.  The past couple of days have been better but I still constantly have to pray to make sure God hears my prayers.  I wonder if I will ever make my mark on this life.  Will I ever be proud of myself?  Will others ever be proud of me? 

The slap in the face was at my last oncologist appointment where fear of a blood clot or more cancer in my swelling right side of my neck and face I had to get an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech after asking about me then proceeded to tell me to get a life and start living it.  Go to LSU games, get out and have fun.  I told him it wasn't in my budget and he still wouldn't give up.  I finally agreed that I would try.  Problem is I can't figure out where to start.  Thanks ultrasound tech, now you have me worried about my lack of life.  Word to the wise, don't tell six year cancer patients to get a life.  Everyday I fight for my life and aim to get my life back but hurdles are constantly thrown and half the time the hurdles make me fall.  Just help me get back up, and anyone you know in rough times.  Just give us your hand and help us through our labryinths because no way we can make it ourselves.  Half the time we don't know where we are going without the labryiths, so lead the way. 

Thanks for listening to yet another rant.

Shannon