it could be worse.

So, today marks the eleventh anniversary of my marriage.  Haha.  As many of you know, I haven't been married for a long time.  But fortunately, my ex and I actually get along better than we ever have these days.  Better than when we were together.  Being the type of guy he is, he stayed in our lives because of Madisyn.  We met when she was just over a year and by the time she was two she was calling him dada.  So when we decided to call it quits when she was just five, he didn't want to lose her.  And I didn't want, yet another, dad to turn his back on her.  Though it was hard at times we kept it together and kept the relationship (their relationship) together.  He treats her better than he treats anyone in this world and really brings out the best in him.  We are lucky to still have this man in our lives.  We have definitely had rough patches and will probably have more in the future but all in all I thank God for his presence in our lives.  For one, Madisyn has someone to call dad, to love and be loved, and to turn to when she can't turn to me.  I have someone to go to when I don't know where to turn, if I am having problems with Madisyn or if I am just having problems.  Sometimes I may wish that he wasn't around but for the most part he is one of  my best friends.  Through it all he has stuck around and that is saying something.  He could had said, "screw this", a long time ago, but he didn't.  I have definitely said, "screw this", a time or two, and he still stuck around.  So, thank you Casey.  No, I don't talk about you in my blogs usually but here you go, this is for you. He is a father when he didn't have to be and we love and appreciate him for it. In fact we love his whole family who has always accepted us into the family.  He also has a girlfriend, Janna, who helps us out when she can too.  We love her probably more than him.  Kidding Casey.

 This month also marks the eleventh anniversary of having cancer.  That's right.  On my wedding day I was waiting to get in to see a doctor about a huge lump in my breast that I had no doubt was cancer.  I spent the day trying to spend as much time with everyone that I could because I felt like my life was coming to an end soon.  The only people I had ever known with cancer had passed except one so I didn't have high hopes for my battle.  I tried to memorize every moment of that day because I knew I had a battle coming and I would need these good memories to look back on.  Some points I found myself just watching all my loved ones.  My family, my friends.  I just sat back and watched.  At the end of the day I stayed and visited with all my family that had come into town just to see me get married while my husband went to hang out with his friends.  We weren't very conventional.  But I don't regret it.  I was happy to spend time with everyone, taking in every moment.  It was like a party to celebrate the end of one life and the beginning of the new life I was about to start.  I'm not talking about my new married life either.  Then when it came time for our honeymoon, I had the biopsy just before and the weekend in New Orleans was spent wondering what was going to happen next.  I knew it was cancer.  I knew my life was about to change.  I'm not sure Casey did.  He kept up a positive front, but I knew.  And the week after our honeymoon, on a Friday afternoon, we went to the doctor, with Madisyn in my lap, and were told, "Yes, it's cancer."  After that doctor's appointment we went out to eat.  To Outback Steakhouse.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We didn't talk much and I spent most of the evening watching others around me and wondering what it was like to be them.  I wondered what, and if, anyone else had some life changing news 30 minutes ago.  I wished I could turn back time and life be like it was before.  I wondered what it was like to be worry free.  To not have the words cancer in your life.  I had already forgotten what that was like.  It felt like I was suffocating, the world was shrinking, and I was mad.  Mad that I couldn't be carefree and laughing and having a good time.  I didn't share any of this with my new husband.  I kept it bottled inside which made for a very awkward evening.  I did learn that putting up a brave front probably isn't the best idea in a relationship.  That is probably the one person you should be talking to about it and if you can't talk to them about it then you are probably in a bad relationship (ahem).  What is great is that we can talk about things now.  For the most part anyway. 

That first year was probably one of the hardest I had.  The fear of the unknown really drove me crazy.  I cried, all the time.  Every time I was alone.  In the car, in the shower, with my daughter (she was little, she didn't count, I felt I could cry in front of her, a lot of times she made it better with a hug), just always.  I was scared.  So scared.  I didn't want to leave my baby girl.  It has gotten easier over the past eleven years.  I have faced my worst fears.  They have been thrown at me and forced me to deal with them.  All the time I wasted scared of the moments I live in now.  Sure, it isn't the best most ideal situation but I deal.  And I realize it could always be worse.  Always be worse.  Eleven years ago, this life was my worst nightmare.  Now I am living it.  And it isn't so bad.  Just yet.  I pray.  I believe I am healed and every three months I get to find out what is happening in my body.  My prayers haven't been answered, or as I like to look at it, they have been answered, this is just the answer.  I may have cancer still, but I am not hospital bound.  I get to live my life everyday.  I get to enjoy my life everyday.  I may be on oxygen.  I may have other problems I have to deal with in this life but I am still here.  I still wake up every morning.  I still see the sun shining, the rain raining, the grass growing.  I'm still here.  So I can't complain.  I won't complain.  Not today anyway.  God has his plans for me and one day they will be fulfilled and my time here will be over.  But not today.

For those wondering how I am doing, I am doing good!  I started my new treatment and so far I just get fatigued more than usual with it.  So that just means I nap more.  No mouth sores just yet.  No hair loss just yet.  No hot flashes just yet.  I have had some nausea and vomiting but I think that was from real low blood sugar.  Damn diabetes.  Apparently it can really suck.  So now I am being careful and eating more often and hoping and praying it doesn't happen again.  Speaking of, I should go eat something.

xoxoxoxoxo

Shannon

Just the truth

Okayyyyyy, so I wrote this a while back, to be exact it was October 27th.  I had no idea I didn't post it so here is some old news:

Hi! I want to start out with how much I love all of you for caring enough about us to view my blogs. I have had some very rough times and your kind words and beautiful outpouring of support mean the world to me. I also want to begin with how much I trust and believe in God's healing powers. I have been shown it over and over again. Years ago, the night before my double masectomy, the womens ministry at my church laid hands on my left breast. I had just found out I had tumors in my left arm lymphnodes and the doctors were looking for tumors to be in my left breast figuring it was another primary cancer (if you can't follow the cancer lingo just ask lol). I had such a feeling of power, the knowledge that there would be no cancer in my left breast. Well, low and behold, the test my left breast for tumors and find none. I call that a God intervention. He let me know he was here with me. There have been times when I didn't think I was going to make it another day. I have been in so much pain at different times. Allergic reactions, seizure, bone and muscle and bone marrow pain for days, weeks, months, at a time. I was in the ER one time and was severely dehydrated. The nurses and doctors couldn't get an IV into any veins. My arms that I let them try just because I had to, sometimes it's easier there and sometimes I don't want them to put and IV in my foot. Well, thank you lymphodema, in the foot or medi port it is! Well to finish my ER story, they tried my arms, hands, feet, neck, and finally had to opt for a central line. This consist of, not only a needle being stuck in your top middle part of your thigh, but a needle almost the size of an epirdural. Maybe it's bigger, I don't know. I just know it was huge. The whole process=2 hours. My sister/friend, Toni, was with me. She was there holding my hand and I could tell by the look on her face, scared to death for me. To finish this story, I wanted to say, at every different situation where I felt like it was my last second on this earth I would pray. I would be in non stop prayer. I would pray for His arms to embrace me and give me comfort. I would actually feel His arms around me. Almost as if He was holding me. I would sink into His arms and be at peace. Calm. Now don't get me wrong, I was scared. I was so scared of leaving my daughter but at the same time I would understand that if something happened to me she would be taken care of. In Jesus's arms I would wake each time. Now try and tell me there is no God.

I also want to be a little more honest. I am just going to acknowledge it. For all to see. For all to understand. I am putting this out here for all of you to know:
It is not fair. It is not fair. It is not fair. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and the thought that if I could choose someone to have cancer besides me, it would be me everytime. There is no way anyone I have ever met deserves this.
I get mad. Then I realize I don't even know who to be mad at.
I want to run. Disappear. Live on a beach. Meet the man of my dreams, who then moves us to a house on the beach. One thing always stops this dream. Cancer. There is no running. Every where I go it stays with me. Shannon, queen of running, cannot run from this.
The thought of having another surgery makes me sick to my stomach. Yet I know it is necessary. Bye bye ovaries...
The news today that one of my tumors has grown through me for a loop.
I cried about my cancer for the first time in over six months today.
Right now I am having a hard time coming to grips that chemo may be started again. I will return to Houston in two months and if it has grown anymore chemo starts again.
I still haven't written my first book.
Or my second book.
I need a publisher.
Bradley Cooper needs to realize that we are meant to be, soon.
Bradley Cooper, I really lost all respect for you when you started dating J-Lo. What are you thinking?
I need everyone to bring me their funny movies so when I am layed up after surgery I can laugh.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck make the cutest little people.
Right now I have to return a phone call to my gynocologist to schedule surgery, my physical therapist to schedule therapy, my therapist to schedule a session, Walgreens MedMart to schedule a medicine delivery of my Tykerb, the maintenance drug that has worked for so long until now. I need to call Madisyn's doctor for a medicine refill, make an appointment for the eye doctor, the TMJ doctor, my local oncologist(well I have to find out if I scheduled an appointment or not..I forget and can't find an appointment card-this happens all the time)
I have an amazing kid, she makes me smile.
She also makes me crazy sometimes ;-)
I have the greatest group of friends a girl can ask for.
While on chemo I am a cranky, tired, bald and on lots of meds that make me out there. Just love me, understand me, help me, be with me, hang with me, invite me places even if you know I will probably say no because I'm sick.
Offer to clean i.e. wash dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, laundry (thanks mom!), help with my bill organizing, help with Madisyn as much as you can.
I love Twilight, Vampire Diaries, The Crow, Glee, The Secret Circle, Pretty Little Liars, Psych, James Dean, art, peace signs, the store Hot Topic, Dexter, The Game of Thorns, American Horror Story, Parks and Recreation, Up All Night, Raising Hope, and so much more.
I hate the Disney Channel.
I love Teen Nick.
I quote songs.
I write songs.
You will probably never hear them.
I quote movies.
I like to be in movies. Hollywood, here I am!
I am way to sarcastic at times. But I mean well.
I will never, have never phone stalked anyone.
Now, facebook stalked, that's a different story.
I love my parents and my family even though I don't show it.
Right now I just WANT to be depressed. Let me. I will bounce back, I need a grieving period.
I really do think Edward is too old for Bella.
Breaking Dawn is crazy.
I do think the reason for all the cancer around here has some Erin Brokovich story that just hasn't been discovered yet.
You will never find handi-capped parking at the oncologist's office, Crowne Plaza, Walmart, the Superdome during the Saints game, the psychiatrist office, the heart doctor, the neurologist office, and Barnes&Nobles (????).
My Bella is never coming home and I have to get over it.
I am sorry for anything I may have ever said or done to hurt you.
If my doctor writes me a prescription to not be around any kids but my own, listen. I did not talk her into it, she indepently wrote it because of my blood cell counts and the possibility of getting infections I could be hospitalized or worse killed from a virus when it is just a nuisance to your system and your system kills it.
.
I am spontaneous and wild yet an introvert at the same time.
I just want someone who loves me for both of my sides. Someone who can be wild and silly with me but at the same time respects when I need to be alone.

I try and I try to stay positive and turn to the promises of My God. I am human though. Jesus gave His life for me so that I may be forgiven of my sins.
Truth is I get scared.
Truth is I ignore cancer so it won't get me down. Truth is it doesn't matter what I think when my body tells me I'm sick it is hard to ignore.
I really do want to work. But a job working around all my doctors appointments and surgeries will be almost impossible to find much less keep.
I get overwhelmed by the phone calls, doctor's appointments, motherhood, doctor's bills, and really just life in general. I wish I could say I am living the life I am intended but I am not so sure I am.
I feel as though something big is in store for me. I don't know what or how or why, but I feel as though God has chosen me for something and I am steadily working towards His goal.
God know my heart. God knows my pain. God knows my heartache. God knows my strength.

I have shared enough lol. Maybe more next time.

As always, with love,

Shannon

Whoops!

So I found a blog that I had decided to finish later...why you ask...because I stopped being able to see straight..right in the middle of writing.  After many attempts at deleting and retyping that last sentence I gave up.  You should see my texts draft folder lol.

So I am on day two after surgery.  I had the 2nd stage of my breast reconstruction.  It is amazing what these surgeons can do.  I have the utmost respect for all of you there.  All of the doctors, the nurses, nurse's aides, the everyone who takes part of your care when it matters most, your life.  Definitely when choosing doctors for whatever you need' you have to like them.  You don't want to feel like you're not getting listened to.  I have had my share of doctors and different experiences and what I have learned for them is speak up and communicate.  Use your voice.  The , xzbest advocate for you is, in fact, you.  rg5

Labryinths

So earlier today I had a thought.  While watching a preview for a movie about a girl with cancer and the guy she meets and enjoys life with before she dies, I couldn't help but wonder, "When's my story going to start?"

Don't ask me why I thought that or where it came from.  I know my story has started and every day it continues on, but watching that preview I felt anger.  Anger towards cancer, anger towards life, anger towards circumstance, anger towards anything and everything.  Fact is I haven't dated, like really dated, since I left my husband in 2006.  Everyone likes to remind me that I have had alot going on since then but then I see all these dramatic films about cancer patients and they all meet these amazing partners that they share their life with until the end.  I sat there staring at the screen, crying.  Crying not about the preview but about my own life.  If I didn't have company I would have ran straight to my room, thrown my head in my pillow and cried.  Half of me wanted to do that the other half wanted to run outside and live.  Granted it was 10:30 on a Sunday night and there probably wasn't much going on.  For the past six years I have watched as other peoples' lives continue forward while my life has come full circle since the year 2001.  In 2001 I lived in these same apartments that I now live in again.  At that point I was a single mom with no thoughts of dating but at the same point wishing I could meet someone.  I was broke but making enough money to pay the bills and feed us.  Since the year 2005 I have pretty much just gone from living in one place to living in another.  I am stuck in a rut and I need to break out. 

I decided to start writing books.  Well, I have started a few but didn't want to go any further because I wanted a computer to do it on so I won't have to end up typing anyways.  Unfortunately I just don't have good luck with things like electronics.  We finally got the computer my friend Leigh Anne had given us (one she was getting rid of) to start working and I thought we had it figured out.  Well it lets Madisyn do most of her school but when I get on it the computer just stops working for me.  Right now I am on my friend Will's laptop and if he blinks I am stealing it.  I can't seem to figure out if buying a laptop is a necessity or not.  I want to write to make money but without a working computer it kind of feels impossible.  I can type faster then I write and my thoughts flow fast so typing helps me keep up with myself.  I found a company here that refurbishes old laptops and sells to low income people for $200.  I am also going to a Dave Ramsey course who is telling me that I have to pay off everything before I make decisions like that but it's like a catch 22.  Frustrating. 

I know alot of my frustration stems from being stuck in this rut and having trouble finding my way out.  The cancer, the overwhelming money problems, the swelling in my arms for which I am back in physical therapy for, the pain and aggravation from that and the oddly placed tumors that are a neverending reminder that yep, I have cancer, the stress of being a single mom to an 11 year old daughter, the wondering if, am I, Shannon, actually someone somebody could fall in love with, the awareness that I actually am happy being single and the knowledge that I may not live long enough to experience real love, the wondering what am I going to feed my child tonight, I know I can go without but I know she expects meals, the stress of a car that refuses to stay working no matter how much it gets worked on, the knowledge that I may never see California, or France, or Italy, or Australia, or Canada, or New York, or the Grand Canyon, or ever have a real vacation again.  I wonder why, of all people, can get cancer over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, also get lymphodema in both arms, not one but both. Always wondering about my epilepsy, heart failure, cancer and everything else I am fighting.  I have gotten so sick at times that the only reason I think I am alive is because during times of fighting the urge to go unconscious I pray harder then ever and God sees me through.  I've felt myself knock on deaths windows more then once and I am still alive.  Once I start feeling better I get randomnly sick again, even now while off of the hard chemo.  For two weeks, maybe more, my sense of time is warped, I went from sickness to sickness.  Everyday was new problems.  The past couple of days have been better but I still constantly have to pray to make sure God hears my prayers.  I wonder if I will ever make my mark on this life.  Will I ever be proud of myself?  Will others ever be proud of me? 

The slap in the face was at my last oncologist appointment where fear of a blood clot or more cancer in my swelling right side of my neck and face I had to get an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech after asking about me then proceeded to tell me to get a life and start living it.  Go to LSU games, get out and have fun.  I told him it wasn't in my budget and he still wouldn't give up.  I finally agreed that I would try.  Problem is I can't figure out where to start.  Thanks ultrasound tech, now you have me worried about my lack of life.  Word to the wise, don't tell six year cancer patients to get a life.  Everyday I fight for my life and aim to get my life back but hurdles are constantly thrown and half the time the hurdles make me fall.  Just help me get back up, and anyone you know in rough times.  Just give us your hand and help us through our labryinths because no way we can make it ourselves.  Half the time we don't know where we are going without the labryiths, so lead the way. 

Thanks for listening to yet another rant.

Shannon

How Many Young Breast Cancer Survivors Are Out There?

Hey to All!  This post is different.  I want to see how many young breast cancer survivors we have out there, sooo,  under this post comment with your name and what year you were diagnosed and how old you were/are and where you are from.  My name is Shannon.  I was 25 when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and have been battling metastatic breast cancer since 2006 and I live in Baton Rouge, LA.  How about you?

GARAGE SALE THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

FACEBOOK INVITE Time Friday at 7:00am - Saturday at 1:00pm (THIS WEEKEND MAY 13TH & MAY 14TH) Location SHENANDOAH SUBDIVISION 15708 MALVERN HILL Baton Rouge, LA Created By Shannon McAlister More Info HEY GUYS! I AM DOING ANOTHER GARAGE SALE THIS WEEKEND. IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING YOU FEEL LIKE DONATING IT WOULD BE SUCH A BLESSING. AGAIN, I AM TRYING TO RAISE MONEY TO PAY AN OLD SCHOOL LOAN AND AN OLD CREDIT CARD FROM MY WEDDING THAT LASTED 8 MONTHS LOL. PLEASE FORWARD THIS INVITE TO ANYONE!! ALSO IF THERE IS ANYTHING LEFT AFTER PAYING FOR THOSE ITEMS I WILL BE PAYING MEDICAL BILLS. WE WILL BE ACCEPTING DONATIONS IF YOU JUST WANT TO DONATE AND DON'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING. MADISYN WILL BE MAKING LEMONADE, MUFFINS, COOKIES, COFFEE, AND SWEETS. SHE WANTS TO RAISE MONEY TO TAKE ME OUT TO EAT. HOW SWEET! IF YOU WANT TO BRING SOME SWEETS TO DONATE FOR HER TO SELL I AM SURE SHE WOULD LOVE YOU FOR IT! IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DONATE YOU CAN CALL ME AT 225-323-4646 OR JUST DROP IT OFF AT THE GARAGE SALE ADDRESS. IT IS THE HOME OF LIZ RADLE PERRAULT AND BRAD PERRAULT. WE COULD ALSO USE SOME HELP! IT GOT REALLY CRAZY AT THE LAST GARAGE SALE SO IF YOU ARE FREE AND LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO DO, COME! I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU! I HAVE HAD SOME ASK ABOUT SENDING MONEY VIA MAIL. YOU CAN SEND IT TO: SHANNON MCALISTER BRIDGES BANBURY 1 APT C10 16161 TIGER BEND RD BATON ROUGE, LA 70817 FOR ANYONE WANTING TO KNOW MY STORY, IN A NUTSHELL, I AM A SINGLE MOTHER BATTLING STAGE 4 BREAST CANCER. I WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED IN JUNE OF 2005. SINCE THEN I HAVE UNDERGONE 13 SURGERIES, ALMOST SIX YEARS OF CHEMO, AND RADIATION TO BOTH MY LEFT AND RIGHT SIDES. SOME SIDE EFFECTS OF TREATMENT HAVE BEEN STAGE 1 HEART FAILURE, EPILEPSY, LYMPHEDEMA IN BOTH MY LEFT AND RIGHT ARMS. I AM CURRENTLY AWAITING A HYSTERECTOMY AND TAKING 3 DRUGS: TYKERB, LUPRON, AND ARIMIDEX. IF MY CANCER REMAINS STABLE WE ARE HOPING FOR A STEM CELL TRANSPLANT. THE PRODEDURE IS NOT COVERED BY INSURANCE BECAUSE IT IT CONSIDERED "EXPERIMENTAL" FOR BREAST CANCER AND REQUIRES A $200,000 PRE PAY. CRAZY, RIGHT. SO IF ANYONE HAS ANY OTHER QUESTIONS JUST ASK!

Garage Sale This Saturday and maybe Friday!

Hey To All!

Well I am doing it again.  Making the huge mistake of taking on a garage sale.  Well, this house needs some emptying and I need some money.  You guys remember how I got cancer two weeks after I got married?  Well I have this credit card I need to pay off still....my wedding credit card.  I am still paying on a marriage that lasted eight months and it is almost six years later.  Remember how I also got cancer two months after I finished school?  Well I have to pay that loan too.  I also have hundreds of thousands in medical bills but those I just laugh at and know that one day God will help me.  I also have the $200,000 paid up front stem cell transplant that is not covered by insurance in breast cancer patients because it is considered "experimental" I need to get but again that is one I am putting in God's hand.  If I am meant to have the procedure, the money will come.  At this point it is the only road left to treat my cancer and they have to do it while my cancer is stable.  My cancer is stable but I certainly do not have a money tree and I do not pee gold, so like I said, it is up to God.  I trust Him inexplicably and I know He will lead me where I need to be.

Sometimes I sit around and wonder what normal people stress about.  I wonder what it is like to not have to make life and death decisions almost montly and I wonder what my life would be like had I not been given this road to take.  In some ways I love this road.  I absolutely love that I get to bring my daughter to school everyday, I get to pick her up from school everyday, and I get to do her homework with her at night.  My house may not be as clean as I want it to be but I understand that after five years of chemo what can I possible be expecting from myself.  I understand that I put alot of pressure on myself to be the best of the best in every road I take and this road has made it really hard to do just that.  Being the best of the best drive drove away some time ago.  I have more lust for life at this point and enjoy just being me.  I love that I have friends that love me and I love them.  I have family that is there when I need them even when I am at my worst.  These days I seem to think clearer (some times), love deeper, smile more, I am stronger..I stick up for myself when needed, I have learned to say no (almost to much) and I have learned that my impulsiveness has so many positive qualities included with it.  Some in my life kind of hate that about me but really it is one of my favorite qualities.  Call me and say meet me ____ and I will be there.  I love the thrill of "I didn't plan for this but what the heck".

It has been hard and without HPC I don't know where I would be.  One thing for sure is God has His hands around me and leads me where I need to be.  His angels surround me and in my times of trial they make their presence known.  This summer I will be having two different surgeries.  One surgery is part two of my breast reconstruction.  It is not a super hard surgery but mine will be a little more recovery then normal because they will be doing a skin graft.  They will be taking skin from my back and replacing the burnt unhealthy skin on the left side of my chest so my reconstructed breasts will stay healthy.  Plus sometime this summer I will be receiving a hysterectomy.  I know I talked about it in one of my last blogs so I won't go into it.  After 13 surgeries in 5 years it's weird that I find myself nervous about these to procedures.  Maybe because this is the longest between surgeries I have ever  had or maybe I just don't want my summer to go down the drain again, plus the last thing I want to happen is my workout schedule to be compromised.  It always seems to go down like this...I start working out...suddenly surgery, randiation, or chemo messes me up and I never go back so hopefully for these I will be back to working out in no time...at least that is what I hope for.

Well, that is all I can type for now.  it is two o'clock in the afternoon and I am falling asleep typing this so talk to you soon!

IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DONATE TO THE GARAGE SALE CALL ME! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!! 
225-323-4646 


GARAGE SALE
15708 MALVERN HILL
BATON ROUGE, LA 70817
DONATIONS CAN BE PICKED UP BY ME OR DROPPED OFF TO THE GARAGE SALE LOCATION:  HOME OF LIZ RADLE PERRAULT
IN SHENANDOAH NEIGHBORHOOD
IF YOU WANT TO COME AND HELP OUT WE WOULD LOVE YOU TO!
PROCEEDS BENEFIT (ME) SHANNON MCALISTER BRIDGES

So this week I got a few things accomplished.  I had my GYN appointment to finally talk about my hysterectomy.  I have spent years waiting for this moment.  My whole chemo time was spent waiting to finish so I could go have a hysterectomy.  I have been completely comfortable with this decision.  Throughout these years I have known that this surgery is needed because the estrogen created from these parts of my body is literally killing me.  Every once of estrogen that makes it through all the medications is feed to my cancer cells and helps them to kill me.  So, from the beginning...the goal...have a hysterectomy.  Sure I, at one point, wanted to possibly, maybe have a kid one day.  Even though, after Madisyn I swore I would never have another kid.  Being a single mom from day one, I told myself never again.  Although, briefly while in a long relationship, I did ponder the thought of having more kids.  Well, then I got cancer.  The first time I had cancer I begged them for this procedure.  No after no after no.  I was too young.  I might change my mind in ten years and bring on a lawsuit or deeply regret my decision.  My defense has always been, I can always adopt one day.  I would rather be here for the one child I have then to take the absolutely huge chance that when I get pregnant one day, all that wonderful estrogen may feed my cancer and cause it to spread all over.  Fuel it like crazy.  Well, from what I understand it is not the same for others.  Others feel that even though their cancer is estrogen recepter positive they will chance their life for the possibility that maybe they will have kids.  Well, in some way I understand, but at this point in my life, that is not even an option.  I have chanced it this long and look how that has worked...guys, I still have plenty of cancer..if you want some I have some to spare. 

The worse is when I talk with ladies who have had to have a hysterectomy for other reasons.  They have constant pains, or benign tumors, or for whatever reason.  Some have even had the nerve to tell me "at least I have a choice in the matter."  Something I think people fail to understand is, sure, yeah I did end up making the decision that yes, life is more important then having children.  I chose between life and death.  What made you make the decision for your hysterectomy?  Life or Death? Not saying I am holding anything against anyone who may have slipped up and say something like that to me, just wanting people to try and put yourself in my shoes once in awhile and the life and death decisions I continue to make day after day after day.  The battle that I continue to fight everyday with decisions like this all the time.  Is it a choice?  In some sense I guess so, but when the other option is death, i.e. feeding cancer cells and making them stronger, then yes I do "choose" to have this hysterectomy.

So while at the GYN's office I realized how much I appreciate how I have all my doctors in a cancer hospital.  The whole hospital is full of pregnant women here.  Not just the floor but every person there with ovaries has a baby in their belly.  That, well is my sore spot.  I have made the decision but it doesn't mean I am happy with it.  I get to look at all those glorious people going through a glorious time in life.  I mean what is better then having a baby?  I know there are alot of circumstances that preface a woman becoming pregnant.  But I still am jealous of every single woman in there.  I know it is something that I have years to work on but every now and then if something catches me on the right day I will have a day like I did the other day.  I felt like I may actually be growling at every one of these people.  I must look crazy.  Then the while in my appointment, the GYN looks me in the eye and says, "if I were you I would tell them take it all out.  But I am required to tell you all the reasons not to have this done.  Because all of the gene tests have come back negative, this surgery really is considered "elective"' (are u frickin kidding me???!!!) She continues to tell me that "I am young and one day I might want to have another kid." Well being me, I said "I have cancer, I will always have cancer, I am ok with that fact.  My cancer feeds off the estrogen in my body, so definately my ovaries.  Why keep in an organ that I will never use and also has the ability to grow cancer?  So lets take the uterus too"  She then replies, "yes but you don't have the gene that gives you a higher chance to have uterine cancer."  To which I replied, " yeah, so I have about as much chance of getting  uterine cancer as I did at getting breast cancer at 25."  Fortunately for me she is a lady with a sense of humor.  She smiled and said, "like I said I would do it if I were you."

I left there feeling pretty confident again about my decision.  Still, I have that nagging crankiness to every "family" or "expecting family" I may see.  Don't take it personally guys, like I said before, I am totally cool with dealing with my life as is, and if one day the matter does come up, I will more then be happy to adopt, plus whoever I would think this with would love me and be completely ok with it. 

So if you have seen me lately and I haven't been myself then just know, I am working through a few things and just give me time to work through them.

Thanks for being here for me all through these years guys, I appreciate all the support and love all of you.  Next blog I will tell you more about what is next for me cancerwise but that is all the energy I have for now and all of you probably lost your attenting span already. 

A Good December

Hey, I have had my computers all broken and being buttfaces that I am not sure if I ever got to tell you about my great December.  Both Madisyn and I had background roles in a Zac Efron movie, I forget the name of it right now, some Nicholas Sparks movie I think.

I had a couple different background roles in some other movies, that I forget about right now..I have a huge headache..so this will be a super short blog.

I went on a 100 Monkey road trip with my awesome friend Jaqueline, we used to play soccer as kids and she super rocks.  We went to New Orleans and met the band at Peaches Records during an acoustic set, went and saw the band at The House of blues that night and then headed to Houston the next morning to see them at some place I can't remember right now cuz of this stupid headache.  I am posting pics for you and will go into more later probably but this headache is making me get off the computer http://www.100monkeysmusic.com//

The opening act was called The Kissing Club, a one man band who rocked!  He is also in a band called Mechanical People with a couple guys from 100 Monkeys and they rock too!

http://mechanicalpeople.com/

Good Days are Still to Come

Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard yesterday with my rants.  Sorry.  I won't delete it because I still feel I am right (those that know me well, know I will always be right, whether I am or not).  Anyways, I had a better day today.  I got multiple things accomplished, only had one stomach issue (so far), and even wore makeup and jewelry today.

I made a huge step today.  I saw myself in a window and today I saw a girl.  Not a cancer patient.  Not a mom. Not a frazzled crazy lady...but a girl.  I saw my eyes shine.  I saw a smile.  I don't know where it came from, but I am so happy it did.  It reminded me that I am still here.  Whether my life is the way I envisioned it or not, I am still here.  What will happen when the church stops helping me with my finances...I don't know.  What will happen if I need to go back on chemo..I don't know.  But for now, right now, I am just a regular girl.  I didn't feel fat from all the weight gain from the Lupron.  I didn't feel ugly because of my crazy hair.  I just felt like that girl Shannon I used to know.

This battle has been so hard.  Yesterday I sat and wondered if everyone is just waiting to hear that I died.  Am I that person that everyone keeps in the back of their mind and prays about occasionally, but in reality, every time they hear any news about me, do they expect it to be of my demise?

So for some strange reason I went from that thinking yesterday, to happiness today.  Connection?  I don't really think so.  I'll ask my therapist on Thursday.

Ever since cancer I have a thing with saying exactly whats on my mind.  I mean, I did it before too but it is at a whole new level now.  Yesterday I was wondering if that was me closing all of my loose ends.  Am I making peace with everyone who I wronged in the past because my time is near?  Then I started thinking about the stupid car in front of me so that is about as far as that thought went.  But thinking on it now I still don't have an answer.  Some people thank me for telling them, others choose to act like I never said anything, and some just choose to kind of wash their hands of that crazy, psycho girl who likes to talk about feelings. Lol.

I sat and wondered what it meant that I was still single and not dating after leaving my ex-husband five years ago.  I went through the whole process with all the regular excuses:  I have cancer, I have been on treatment, I'm a single mom on cancer treatment, the right one just hasn't come along, I am happier single, and my greatest one of all is "I wouldn't want to introduce anyone into this crazy life of mine".  Well, I met one of my neighbors the other day.  A nice lady, elderly in age, in a battery operated wheelchair, short, curly silver hair who started telling me about her failed marriage.  She went on to tell me her husband came back from The Korean War a paranoid schizophrenic.  He went crazy and refused treatment so she took her and her four kids and left.  She raised her kids alone as a single mother.  She tried dating but one day one of her boyfriends after meeting her teenage daughter couldn't stop talking about how beautiful she was, her legs, her hair, her figure...so she vowed never to get into a serious relationship again.  She would put the kids to bed at night, get a sitter, go out with her friends and get them up and off to school in the morning.  I think I realized that at this time in my life God wants me single for His own reasons.  I continued to sit there listening to her, envying her freedom.

Did anyone else hear anything like freedom for that woman in that story?  I am pretty sure I may be one of the only ones.  I realize now that it was never the "being a single mom" that was so hard.  Granted this year and I am sure every year after I will bite my tongue because of these words but I am completely ok being a mother.  In fact if there was a father to deal with we would probably fight, alot.  It really is the cancer part that makes everything else hard.  It makes the smile on my face hard.  It makes the sparkle in my eyes hard to come by.  And it makes the way I see my reflection in a glass window different every time.  The sucky part about it is that most of the time I can't control the reflection.  It used to be, if I felt bad I would through on a cute outfit, some extra makeup, and force that smile on my face.  Now, depending on medication...I may be bald, I may have some hair with bald spots, I may be thirty pounds heavier then I was two weeks ago, my face may look like it just got dug out of the ground or should go into the ground.  I guess to pull this post together I will just end with this....Today was a Good Day...the sun shone...the rain poured...my eyes opened...and just as every day God blessed me and my daughter with His Awesome LOVE!

Just me

I have been depressed.  In fact I have battled a lifetime of depression since my hormones kicked in.  Fortunately I never succumbed to wanting to give up.  After I had Madisyn she gave me a reason to live.  I still battled daily and tried different medications for depression but to no avail.  Recently I went to my first psychiatrist ever.  After an forty five minutes of talking she diagnosed me as bipolar.  Whether I have always been bipolar or not I don't know but she put me on a new medication.  For the first time in my life I haven't  had constant thoughts of suicide.  It has been great but just recently I have been sliding down course again.  I know its not a cure and I will still have ups and downs but for the first time in my life I feel the need to tell you guys about it.

I have gone through five years of chemo, most days still wishing I could just die.  I would think to myself, why the chemo if I want to die?  I never had a good answer for myself.  I would tell myself I have my baby to be here for, my family and friends, but in the end I would still be thinking about dying.  It wasn't that I even wanted to be dead, I just wanted to be free.  Free from the constant worries in my head.  Free from the constant feeling of not being good enough for anyone.  Free from the worries of my weight, what I looked like, what people thought of me, and the constant feel of judging I always felt.

I'm not saying its all gone right now.  I am just saying its better.  Madisyn and I had a great weekend, hitting the Susan Komen Race for the Cure Saturday morning and then on to the parade downtown Baton Rouge.  We put pink coloring in our hair, sprayed ourselves with glitter, brought along our little dog, Bella, and met up with our friend Danielle and two of her kids and had a genuine good time.  I used to do stuff but always in the back of my head be in a hole wishing I wasn't there.  Where did I want to go?  I have no idea.  I would feel that way at home too so that couldn't have been where I wanted to be.

Things started to get better when I met someone so awesome.  My friend, Liz, she has carried me through some deep holes in which others backed away from me.  She showed me that I am an awesome person, friend, no matter what I looked like or how much cancer I have, or what kind of mood I am in.  Both Danielle and Liz have helped so much in accepting myself for who I am.  I have tons of others to thank, Nikki , Elizabeth, Delynn, Dino, and anonymous people from church for everything they help me with on a day to day basis.  I have friends that I don't see as much as I want to but they know I love them, Leigh Anne, Lauren, Leslie, Elisa, Dominick, Casey B&L, Michelle, Dawn, and the list could go on.  I miss my best friend that I had for a whole lifetime until one day we got into a fight and have had trouble even being civil to each other.  One day maybe we will be able to move forward Kelly.  To my family for accepting me, even if they aren't to fond of the person I am, thanks.

I was able to live in the moment and live my life this weekend.  It was a good feeling.  Maybe telling you guys about it will pick me back up from going down this hill I seem to be going towards.  Maybe this can help someone else.  I don't know.  But thanks for listening.

Shannon

every now and then i get the urge to document what i look like...all the changes that have happened during cancer, my looks have continuously changed...some of u say u haven't noticed, but i have, and every now and then i will see a pic that someone else has and realize, whoa, i don't have a pic of me at that point and wonder what other ways i have looked to get me to what i look like today.

i miss the shannon that used to casually glance in the mirror and just be happy being me, run a brush through my hair, throw on mascara and lipstick and just go...now its a process..trying to find clothes that fit, something for my head (whether it be a wig, hat, scarf, or if i have some hair...style it), trying to find a jacket cuz i'm always getting cold..or hot...plus i put on so much makeup now, just so that when u see me u don't think, "oh there she is, that sick girl" or "poor shannon, so sick".  plus i do it to make me feel better. like, maybe the more the makeup the less people will see how scared i am, maybe i can hide it all, the anxiety, the depression, the paralyzing fear of what tomorrow will bring.  i have to make sure it hides the sadness.maybe the better i look, the less questions they will ask.  maybe i will just be shannon again. no "how are u feeling" or "what did the doctors say?" or  the sympathetic glances my way when they think i don't notice.  will i ever just be shannon again?

i can document these words now because right now i feel better.  not perfect but better.  its an amazing feeling.  before i dont think i could have put any of that into words. but here are some pics of me on a good day.   i really hate cancer.

New News

Hey Everyone,

Oh my goodness, the past few days have been rough.  I finally woke up refreshed (well as refreshed as I get) on Friday and ready to tackle rearranging Madisyn's room with her new futon bed that her dad got her for her birthday.  I had to run a few errands and while I'm sitting in the church parking lot (my last errand was there) I get "the" phone call.

"Mrs. Bridges?"
"Yes this is Shannon"
"Hi, this is (insert my doctors name here) from Houston, your oncologist.  We got the results of your MRI of your chest back and it doesn't look good.  There is much more involvement then we originally thought.  There is no way Dr. (insert my surgeons name here)will be able to remove all of this, we are going to have to cancel the surgery.  I know this is what you really wanted to do but there will be no benefit to performing the surgery when she will have to leave so much cancer in you still.  With your history the best thing for us to do is to have you remain on the Tykerb (a maintenance drug that targets only the cancer cells and not the good cells.  I take this medicine daily, 4 pills a day), start you on Lupron (a hormone therapy in the form of a shot that works by telling the pituitary gland located in the brain to stop producing the hormone that stimulates the ovaries to release estrogen), and eventually start you on an Aromatase Inhibitor (Aromatase inhibitors work by blocking the enzyme aromatase, which turns the hormone androgen into small amounts of estrogen in the body. This means that less estrogen is available to stimulate the growth of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer cells).  I am so sorry Shannon, I know how much you wanted this, I wish there were some way we could do this but it is just not reasonable.  We will see you back here in November and at that time do a full work up on you."


I could here the tears in her voice.  She really knew how much it meant to me to have this operation.  She really understood the Hope I had been leaning on.  I almost felt as though I was comforting her at first.  Assuring her I was okay and I understood why this had to, or should I say, would not happen.  I gave her a choked but cherry good bye and hung up the phone.  Only at that moment did I fully realize the extent of the conversation I had just had.  Even after five years of chemotherapy I had always had Hope that the cancer would be taken out and one day I would be moving forward.  All those dreams of life without cancer were crashed with one phone call.  All the joy for the day vanished.  A deep sickening feeling replaced it.  My body now felt like it was made with lead.    I managed to drive home and crawl inside, blindly turn on the tv, unaware of what I was watching, and just let the tears fall unconsciously.  Madisyn walked in from school moments later talking about redecorating her room. I nodded and mumbled something about laying down in bed and made my way down the hall and passed out.  Gone were the plans of cleaning out Madisyn's room, gone were the plans to bring everything to my moms for the garage sale she was holding the following morning, gone was anything but sleep.  


I made myself get out of bed Saturday morning and head to my moms garage sale.  I maybe sat outside for forty five minutes total when I went inside to lay down.  Then made up some excuse to go home and lay down.  Ignored phone calls after phone calls, emails after emails, and any other form of communication.  There weren't necessarily thoughts going through my head at all, which was weird.  It was like everything inside me had died.  My awesome friend Liz came over with two of her little girls Saturday after I offered her dinner but I proceded to allow her fumble around in my crack house looking kitchen and cook the supper.  I wasn't much company and my house is anything but child friendly, but she didn't care.  When I say awesome, Liz is awesome.  For the most part I unconsciously stuffed my face.  When they left I promptly passed out.  


Sunday came around and I forced myself out of bed and to church.  We were 30 minutes late but we made it.  Pastor Dino preached and I wrote.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  Just recently I started journaling.  I just write.  Whatever is going through my head, whether it makes sense or not, I write it.  During church Sunday, I wrote to myself that I needed to enjoy everyday that I do have.  I realized (for the millionth tiime in the past five years) how lucky I am to still be here with my baby when five years ago I never dreamed I would still be here with her to celebrate her 10th birthday with her.  I never dreamed I would see her go to her first day in the fifth grade.  I never dreamed I would see thirty.  So I told myself to scrape myself off of the ground and pick up the pieces and move on, or well forward.  Yes, cancer will always be here.  I won't ever need to read any "Life after cancer" books.  I will just have to always have to find a way to move forward.  To continue to climb my mountains without giving up.  


The thought to get up and run, well drive, is there but how do you run away from yourself?  No matter where I go, the cancer will still be there, with me.  I can run as far away as I want but it will get me absolutely no where.  That is when my feelings sink deeper.  Running is not an option.  Not that I make a habit of running when things get tough but sometimes just the thought makes you feel better.  But my imagination knows better.  


So Monday I didn't wake up bouncing and back to happy happy joy joy like I wanted.  Madisyn was sick so she stayed home and we literally laid around all day being miserable, but it was such a fun miserable.  We just enjoyed each others company.  I fell asleep by 3:30 that afternoon.  My baby made us some Ramon noodles for dinner and turned off all the lights and put her momma to bed.  Aside from waking up to eat dinner, and to take medicine twice, I slept until 6:00 the next morning.  


Tuesday and today have gone much better and I'm hoping it stays that way.  I was started on my Lupron today during my local oncologists appointment.  I cried when talking to my doctor about the canceled surgery, my doctor teared up with me but even she said there was no way to do the surgery.  I've got to say it has felt really good to have such a wonderful team on my side.  My doctors are more then I could ever ask for.  Even my oncologist in Houston who I have only known for not even a year is like another one of the girls with me.  They all understand and want more then anything for me to have a miracle.  I am so lucky.  


Today I am refreshed with an understanding that God is taking care of me.  I don't know His Plan and probably never will but He does and that's all that matters.

Well until next time....Shannon

Finally

Well, as most of you know, I had a couple trips to Houston this month. They pricked and proded me, scanned me all over, and took enough blood to fill a vampire's daily thirst. In the end though, VICTORY! Yay! First of all everything came back as not having grown, which is great. There was one tumor that had increased metabolic activity, which isn't good, but the tumor itself hadn't grown. So, in a sense, its still considered victorious.

I have finally stopped chemo! Hip Hip HOORAY! I am staying on the daily drug Tykerb, which only targets the cancer cells and not the good cells. Thank GAWD! I'm telling you I probably would have lost my mind if I had to stay on chemo any longer. I am worn out and fed up. Call me self-fish but I want to start living again. I want to have energy. I want to have hair. I want to make plans and be able to follow through. I don't want to be sick anymore!!! The past year or so (at this point my memory is shot) have taken toll on my body and energy levels. I am super happy because after only a week off of chemo, I have slightly more energy then I have in awhile. Not a huge amount, but enough to get a couple loads of laundry done and a load of dishes. Then, until Madisyn got home from school, I slept. But like I said, it is more then I've done in awhile.

Madisyn's birthday was August 23rd. I still haven't had her "birthday party". Every year I have a "mini" birthday party with just a couple kids she picks, then since we have such a big family I have the "real" birthday party with family and friends. Well it is now September 15th and I still have no idea when I am going to get around to having the energy and momentum to have and plan the party this year. Normally it is something I look forward to, and absolutely love planning but this year, I'd rather sleep.

My neurologist and I are doing "a test". The overwhelming urge to sleep may be being caused by my seizure meds but we are waiting till I am off of chemo for awhile to make the judgement to change seizure meds or not. If it goes away then I stay on the seizure meds and credit chemo, if it stays around then, its being caused by the seizure meds. Right now there is no way to tell which medicine is causing it.

Some good news, is I convinced my surgeon to do the surgery to remove all my tumors. For those of you who didn't know, my surgeon in Houston was completely against the surgery and was not planning on performing the surgery. She thought that since it keeps coming back the risks outweighed the benefits in the end. Well, I begged and pleaded and even gave her a puppy dog face which she couldn't refuse. So, the outcome is, surgery....the week of October 17th...another birthday surgery. To make me smile, the surgeon promised me chocolate cake after surgery..she knows me so well. :D

So for now, that is everything. My brain has shut off and refuses to think anymore...so until next time...

Shannon

The Hidden Agenda

g***PLEAE NO ONE TAKE THIS PERSONALLY, I HAVE HAD AMAZING HELP THROUGH EVERYTHING BUT ALSO EXPERIENCES THINGS THAT SURPRISED ME AND FELT OBLIGATED TO WRITE ABOUT IT***

When I was twenty five my life changed. After years of independence I had to learn to depend on others. The main thing I have learned since then is that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. I have had plenty of wonderful experiences with people loving me and expecting nothing in return. People who genuinely want to help me and Madisyn. But for the most part I have learned that when someone helps you they expect double in return. From you. In a perfect world people would realize that when you help one person God will bless you in return, not from that one person specifically but in ways you never expect. Maybe God will bless you by a complete stranger. Maybe God will bless you by sending you an extra angel who watches over you and your family. But God has a plan and in due time he sees his promises through. What I have come to realize that no help comes for free and you can say thank you until you are blue in the face but it is never enough and people want more from you. It doesn’t matter how they have helped you, they are taking notes. Even when they don’t realize it they have a notebook sheet in their heads with your name on top and every good deed they have done for you and whether or not they feel they have been paid back is taken note. It’s a sad day when you realize that they have all been keeping track. It doesn’t matter the years of volunteerism you put forth in the relationship you had with them before you needed their help, when you helped them without taking note. When you helped them out of the goodness of your heart because that’s what friends do and that’s what you feel God has led you to do at that moment in time. Then one day you need help and everything changes. All of a sudden you can’t be the person you used to be and you need their help. Some will come out the woodworks to help you, lots at first. Some will come, some will go. Some can’t handle the help you need whereas some stick in there because they love you but then some stay because they are keeping track. They are waiting to cash in on the “credit” they have with you. What appears to be God putting His hand in your life could very well be the devil in disguise. I don’t have any way to tell the difference, its hard. Sometimes things can seem so God related, God given and it takes awhile for you to find out the real reason behind others agenda’s. Why can’t people give with a giving heart? What are your experiences with people giving? Has it been common for some to have a “hidden agenda”? Even being sick, do some people expect so much from you that you can’t function from overload? Please share….

Oh me o my

So, its been a pretty uneventful couple of weeks.  I had chemo and slept for a week, then got stood up for a date I had, and my bloodwork came back as something being active in my liver and bones....well kind of uneventful.  I won't find out until I go back to Texas at the beginning of February if that bloodwork result actually means anything. 

So that brings me to the normal flow of my life.  The Xeloda makes me so exhausted all the time.  I have a couple days where I feel ok but for the most part if I do anything I have to take a five hour nap after.  I have started to loose my hair again.  I almost look like I have a mohawk...ok..I look like I have a mohawk...there is no almost about it.  It is so awful..lol.  I have parts of my head that are flowing with hair (mainly the back) and parts that have no hair.  I haven't decided if I shave it or not.  Most probably the clippers will come out.  I look better buzz cut then with this retarded mohawk.  I look ridiculous.  I wear my wig at all times now..lol.  My ex is going to come buzz cut it tomorrow, I will post pics. 

On a positive note, I've lost a good 7 inches in my waist.  Yay me!  Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that everything taste likes cardboard and if I manage to get it down it will then procede to come right back out....not all the time so don't be worried..but often enough I guess lol.  I am loving the way I look now so it has helped tremendously with my self esteem.  Some of you may think I am nuts for even being excited about the weight loss, but hey, the 80 pounds cancer gave me had to let up sometime.  It's just plain rude that with all the crud I've had to go through that I had to blow up like a balloon so people didn't even know who I was when I saw them.   Now try that on to your self esteem...how would that make you feel? 

Did I tell you guys that I finally found a wig that I absolutey love?  It came from the Greater Baton Rouge Flea Market on Airline Hwy going towards Gonzales.  This awesome lady opened up this shop with wigs because her mom had cancer.  The wig was only $35!  It looks so much better then my several hundred dollar wig that I got when I first got cancer.  I wore that wig twice maybe.  People complement me on my hair all the time...you should see their faces when I tell them they can get their own hair like this at the flea market for $35...lol.  Yes I do say that.  http://www.fleamarketoflouisiana.com/

So, sometime last year my doctor wrote me a prescription to no longer watch anyone's kids but my own.  To rest and take care of myself.  It is still on my fridge, just as a reminder.   Well, the other day she wrote me a prescription to stay awake more often, get out the house, and to do something.  It is now on my fridge right next to my other prescription.  The latter prescription is a slight contradiction compared to the other one.  I wonder if she realizes that...lol.  Don't worry I will point it out when I go on Friday. 

Today is a better day then most days, thank God!  I appreciate this day so much, because I know today I start chemo and this whole week will be a blur and I won't have any recollection of this day or any other day this week by Sunday.  It sucks.  Sometimes I can make myself get out the house during chemo week, only if whoever wants me to come with them comes over, gets me dressed, well makes me get dressed, and drags me out of the house.  If I stay on top of my medicine I can manage to get around, stay awake, and look half way decent.  Don't ask me to remember anything that happens though or you will be very disappointed.  Sorry I can't help it.  Its just something the people I love half to get used to and most of them have, not all.  Some hold it against me, and I understand that they have no idea how my life goes and how I feel, and how my life really is because when they see me I put on a happy face for them.  You would think me passing out in five minute intervals would clue them in but like I said, sometimes people just don't understand.  No matter what is said about me to my face or behind my back I still love all of them and when they are willing to understand I will be here.  The chemo messes with my memory, my attitude, my consciousness, and so much more.  Its not just the chemo, its the amount of chemo I have received in the past four years.  Most of it being in the past 14 months.  If you ask a first time cancer patient about how they feel during chemo they will tell you how they made it through it, but it was hard.  Ask them to imagine continuing the treatment for four years and then 14 months of hard chemo in a row, they would be horrified.  I promise.  I would have been if I had known after the first time I had chemo that I would still be doing this after four years.  I would have not been able to comprehend it.  I make my way through every day the best that I can.  Some days worse then others. 

So enough of that noise.  Like I said today is a good day and thats all I need to focus on.  I am so lucky to be here after all these years.  This June is my 5 year cancerversary.  A milestone in the cancer world.  A day that is a miracle in my world.  I am so blessed to have all the love and support  from all of you.  All of you have been my angel at some point or another.  Thank you.

Christmas was absolutely amazing.  Madisyn had one of the best Christmas's ever.  Thanks to all of you.  I didn't have to spend a dime.  Fortunately, because I was sick and never left the house anyways.  Plus money is an issue.  After bills and food...well food for the first week or two...there is nothing left.  We stay happy and fed though.  Some wonderful friends bring us food plus some even strangers bring us food from our church...they aren't strangers anymore of course...I love all of you!  One girl from our church bought both me and Madisyn new bedding...the best bedding in the world....no need to get out of bed anymore...lol. 

Well I talked your ear off so I will stop now....every one check out the Amazon search box on my page....go shopping!  Love you all!
Shannon 

The end of 2009

It has been a long time since i have blogged. My previous blogsites: caringbridge.org/visit/shannonbridges, carepages.com/carepages/shannonsfight

Lately I have been looking back over the past year. The end of the year is always a time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future. There is the wonder, the hope, the promise of better to come. The new year, another chance to make everything right.

When I think back on my past year, the year starting January 1, 2009, it feels like yesterday. In January I was finishing up three months of chemo that had started in November. In October of 2009 I had surgery to remove the remaining tumors that had resisted the clinical trial I participated in for nine months of 2008. Two tumors in my neck had responded to the point of not being visible anymore. The other 12+ tumors were still hanging around, fighting away all the medicine I was on. I spent the bulk of 2008 traveling back and forth to Houston, Texas to receive treatment in a clinical trial that was promising to kick my cancer's ass since Herceptin had failed the first time. After months of non-response, we scheduled surgery. In surgery the plan was to remove the remaining black blobs on my ultrasound. In the midst of Hurricane Gustav that rattled Baton Rouge and Houston, I was battling cancer, my fourth recurrance-or to use an easier term, metastatic breast cancer. Every time the cancer has gone away, been taken out, killed off by the poisens running through my body, or been nuked by radiation, every time, it had returned. This surgery was to be a new beginning for me. A chance to walk forward and never turn around to remember the past......again. Surgery number thirteen.....or wait twelve...wait, we don't include biopsies in this number do we? Whatever number it was, I was ready. Then came Hurricane Gustav. Surgery cancelled. Crap. A couple weeks later there I was, finally, the wait would be worth it.

Post op, November 2008. Ultrasound......Oops...tumors escaped from surgery. These little jerks managed to escape the surgeon's grasp. Two little black blobs sat there starring me in the face. What happened? How? With a don't dwell, move forward attitude we started treatment...again. I was put on two drugs, one called Taxol and Herceptin. I had been on Herceptin before for years and it was just a new way of approaching the Herceptin therapy in hopes that this time it would work. Treatment every week. Around this time I decide to go vegetarian.

So there I am, January 1, 2009, most probably nauseas, vomiting, constipation, diarrea, and speaking backwards. Yes thats what I said, my speech is retarded. Brain scans show nothing so it is just the side effects of the medicine. At some point I decide on more of a vegan form of diet. In February I had to return to Houston for a restaging. We got to do a million tests to see how the chemo is working, and then decide on therapy. Outcome was growth in tumors. Found a new one that they thought was probably not new, just a whole lot bigger and visable now....ok...whatever. So, we changed our treatment plan. This time to Taxol and a drug called Carboplatin, but this time i only had to go every three weeks. Yay! There is something positive! I speak with the Alternative therapy doctor there, learn some more about wheat grass and stuff, only to then find out that I can't have soy. My cancer is estrogen receptor postive...translation: estrogen makes my cancer grow....outcome of this appointment: no more soy....results of this outcome: no more vegan. There was also a major sick time in which I found out I was getting worse side effects and stuff because I wasn't getting enough nutrients with the vegan diet. You've got to work for your nutrients in that diet anyways, and to switch to that kind of diet while going through cancer treatment was probably stupid anyways. I would have to take major supplements if I wanted to try it again, so needless to say I haven't gone that route again yet.

So, there I was vegetarian.....wait no..vegan...crap....forget that...vegetarian...dangit....whatever my body will allow me to eat without making me vomit.

Through all these years of treatment, surgeries, radiation, and everything else under the sun being but into my body I was living with my parents. Not that bad of a setup. At first me and Madisyn had to share a room and a bed. Then they let us have our own rooms. Woo-Hoo! But seriously, I was a twenty something mother living with...her parents. The help was awesome. Mom would do my laundry, and eventually I let her do it without telling her she didn't need to do it...I learned to just accept the help. If I was sick mom would get her up and off to school. Good thing because by the time I started the chemo in November I would let her do it alot. Now, of course, that did not go over to well. There was alot of fighting about Madisyn, alot of fighting about the house, and alot of fighting about, well everything.

I am not sure if everyone gets a time in their lives where they get to find out who their friends are and how many friends they actually do have. I have been so lucky as to have been shown that over and over and over again. In February of 2009, I learned again. Through the magic of blogs through, facebook, myspace, caringbridge.org, and carepages.com and emails through all of my accounts, a couple of my friends accounts two of my friends found a place, raised the money to pay six months in advance in rent, and got me and Madisyn a place of our own. We hadn't lived on our own since February of 2006 when we moved home after I left my husband. With donations from people from freecycle.com, different stuff from different people, and my friend's used furniture store that closed, my place was furnished. No, maybe it didn't all match, but it was all ours. April 1, 2009 our place was ours. Right after we moved in I got to go back to Houston for another restaging. This time....better news....no change...yes, that is good news...this means no growth...so I stay on Carboplatin and Taxol.

In June of 2009 I return to Houston. Because of the side effects that I started having...numbness in hands and feet, potentially could be wide spread and permanet, we change chemo and schedule surgery. I start on Gemzar and Herceptin. Yes, somehow I get put on Herceptin again. I don't know why we decided to do that. I think it was because we just needed something for me to be on before surgery....but seriously I don't remember. We schedule for August of 2009. I return to Houston in July for some more tests. No change in tumors, but I get diagnosed with Stage 1 heart failure. Great. Lets add cardiology to my regular doctor appointment list.

When I return for my pre op appointments I get the go ahead from cardiology, and every other doctor possible. Finally I go and get my ultrasound. As always I make them check anything that I don't like in my chest. Yay! The lump that bothers me is not cancerous! Woo-Hoo! Oh crap, they want to check something they find will looking at my noncancerous lump. Embedded in my chest and growing into my right reconstructed breast is.....yes...cancer....again. In one of my new boobs. What???

Ok, so, yes this happens. I new it was a possibility, and I knew the very little percentage it was that actually had this happen...so yes....you are right....I should have seen this one coming. Only me. That has been my motto with this cancer journey. If there is the slight possiblility just know that with me, it is a large possibility.

What does this new tumor mean to me? No surgery. Cancelled. "Does not respond to surgical intervention."

Now what? They speak to me about a stem cell transplant. Ok, how much....$200,000....paid up front....HA! My $800 in disability will not cover that, sorry! So we switch to a drug called Xeloda and Tykerb. Both are oral drugs....Yippeeeeee! I start off with 13 pills of chemo a day for one week, then just the five Tykerb for one week, repeat. Bad bad side effects. Worse chemo ever. October of 2009 I have my first (and only at this point) seizure. Weird experience to say the least. I finally find a doctor I like and get on the right medicine in December. On November I return to Houston for restaging.....................................CANCER RESPONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The wait has definately been worth it to hear those words. They lower my dose to only seven Xeloda a day and four Tykerb one week, then a week of only four Tykerb, then repeat.

That brings us to now. Days before Christmas. Reflecting. Where did my year go? Gone to cancer, once again. Here's to 2010.