Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard yesterday with my rants. Sorry. I won't delete it because I still feel I am right (those that know me well, know I will always be right, whether I am or not). Anyways, I had a better day today. I got multiple things accomplished, only had one stomach issue (so far), and even wore makeup and jewelry today.
I made a huge step today. I saw myself in a window and today I saw a girl. Not a cancer patient. Not a mom. Not a frazzled crazy lady...but a girl. I saw my eyes shine. I saw a smile. I don't know where it came from, but I am so happy it did. It reminded me that I am still here. Whether my life is the way I envisioned it or not, I am still here. What will happen when the church stops helping me with my finances...I don't know. What will happen if I need to go back on chemo..I don't know. But for now, right now, I am just a regular girl. I didn't feel fat from all the weight gain from the Lupron. I didn't feel ugly because of my crazy hair. I just felt like that girl Shannon I used to know.
This battle has been so hard. Yesterday I sat and wondered if everyone is just waiting to hear that I died. Am I that person that everyone keeps in the back of their mind and prays about occasionally, but in reality, every time they hear any news about me, do they expect it to be of my demise?
So for some strange reason I went from that thinking yesterday, to happiness today. Connection? I don't really think so. I'll ask my therapist on Thursday.
Ever since cancer I have a thing with saying exactly whats on my mind. I mean, I did it before too but it is at a whole new level now. Yesterday I was wondering if that was me closing all of my loose ends. Am I making peace with everyone who I wronged in the past because my time is near? Then I started thinking about the stupid car in front of me so that is about as far as that thought went. But thinking on it now I still don't have an answer. Some people thank me for telling them, others choose to act like I never said anything, and some just choose to kind of wash their hands of that crazy, psycho girl who likes to talk about feelings. Lol.
I sat and wondered what it meant that I was still single and not dating after leaving my ex-husband five years ago. I went through the whole process with all the regular excuses: I have cancer, I have been on treatment, I'm a single mom on cancer treatment, the right one just hasn't come along, I am happier single, and my greatest one of all is "I wouldn't want to introduce anyone into this crazy life of mine". Well, I met one of my neighbors the other day. A nice lady, elderly in age, in a battery operated wheelchair, short, curly silver hair who started telling me about her failed marriage. She went on to tell me her husband came back from The Korean War a paranoid schizophrenic. He went crazy and refused treatment so she took her and her four kids and left. She raised her kids alone as a single mother. She tried dating but one day one of her boyfriends after meeting her teenage daughter couldn't stop talking about how beautiful she was, her legs, her hair, her figure...so she vowed never to get into a serious relationship again. She would put the kids to bed at night, get a sitter, go out with her friends and get them up and off to school in the morning. I think I realized that at this time in my life God wants me single for His own reasons. I continued to sit there listening to her, envying her freedom.
Did anyone else hear anything like freedom for that woman in that story? I am pretty sure I may be one of the only ones. I realize now that it was never the "being a single mom" that was so hard. Granted this year and I am sure every year after I will bite my tongue because of these words but I am completely ok being a mother. In fact if there was a father to deal with we would probably fight, alot. It really is the cancer part that makes everything else hard. It makes the smile on my face hard. It makes the sparkle in my eyes hard to come by. And it makes the way I see my reflection in a glass window different every time. The sucky part about it is that most of the time I can't control the reflection. It used to be, if I felt bad I would through on a cute outfit, some extra makeup, and force that smile on my face. Now, depending on medication...I may be bald, I may have some hair with bald spots, I may be thirty pounds heavier then I was two weeks ago, my face may look like it just got dug out of the ground or should go into the ground. I guess to pull this post together I will just end with this....Today was a Good Day...the sun shone...the rain poured...my eyes opened...and just as every day God blessed me and my daughter with His Awesome LOVE!
I made a huge step today. I saw myself in a window and today I saw a girl. Not a cancer patient. Not a mom. Not a frazzled crazy lady...but a girl. I saw my eyes shine. I saw a smile. I don't know where it came from, but I am so happy it did. It reminded me that I am still here. Whether my life is the way I envisioned it or not, I am still here. What will happen when the church stops helping me with my finances...I don't know. What will happen if I need to go back on chemo..I don't know. But for now, right now, I am just a regular girl. I didn't feel fat from all the weight gain from the Lupron. I didn't feel ugly because of my crazy hair. I just felt like that girl Shannon I used to know.
This battle has been so hard. Yesterday I sat and wondered if everyone is just waiting to hear that I died. Am I that person that everyone keeps in the back of their mind and prays about occasionally, but in reality, every time they hear any news about me, do they expect it to be of my demise?
So for some strange reason I went from that thinking yesterday, to happiness today. Connection? I don't really think so. I'll ask my therapist on Thursday.
Ever since cancer I have a thing with saying exactly whats on my mind. I mean, I did it before too but it is at a whole new level now. Yesterday I was wondering if that was me closing all of my loose ends. Am I making peace with everyone who I wronged in the past because my time is near? Then I started thinking about the stupid car in front of me so that is about as far as that thought went. But thinking on it now I still don't have an answer. Some people thank me for telling them, others choose to act like I never said anything, and some just choose to kind of wash their hands of that crazy, psycho girl who likes to talk about feelings. Lol.
I sat and wondered what it meant that I was still single and not dating after leaving my ex-husband five years ago. I went through the whole process with all the regular excuses: I have cancer, I have been on treatment, I'm a single mom on cancer treatment, the right one just hasn't come along, I am happier single, and my greatest one of all is "I wouldn't want to introduce anyone into this crazy life of mine". Well, I met one of my neighbors the other day. A nice lady, elderly in age, in a battery operated wheelchair, short, curly silver hair who started telling me about her failed marriage. She went on to tell me her husband came back from The Korean War a paranoid schizophrenic. He went crazy and refused treatment so she took her and her four kids and left. She raised her kids alone as a single mother. She tried dating but one day one of her boyfriends after meeting her teenage daughter couldn't stop talking about how beautiful she was, her legs, her hair, her figure...so she vowed never to get into a serious relationship again. She would put the kids to bed at night, get a sitter, go out with her friends and get them up and off to school in the morning. I think I realized that at this time in my life God wants me single for His own reasons. I continued to sit there listening to her, envying her freedom.
Did anyone else hear anything like freedom for that woman in that story? I am pretty sure I may be one of the only ones. I realize now that it was never the "being a single mom" that was so hard. Granted this year and I am sure every year after I will bite my tongue because of these words but I am completely ok being a mother. In fact if there was a father to deal with we would probably fight, alot. It really is the cancer part that makes everything else hard. It makes the smile on my face hard. It makes the sparkle in my eyes hard to come by. And it makes the way I see my reflection in a glass window different every time. The sucky part about it is that most of the time I can't control the reflection. It used to be, if I felt bad I would through on a cute outfit, some extra makeup, and force that smile on my face. Now, depending on medication...I may be bald, I may have some hair with bald spots, I may be thirty pounds heavier then I was two weeks ago, my face may look like it just got dug out of the ground or should go into the ground. I guess to pull this post together I will just end with this....Today was a Good Day...the sun shone...the rain poured...my eyes opened...and just as every day God blessed me and my daughter with His Awesome LOVE!
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