I went to Houston earlier this month and got a stable prognosis! Yay! I was approved for three more months off of chemo! In the following three months I will be looking for a local GYN to have a complete hysterectomy and sometime mid summer I will also have the rest of my reconstruction done. I will remain until the hysterectomy on the drugs Avastin, Lupron, and Tykerb. Not a horrible combination at all. The worst side effect is this crazy weight gain, but thats what I have a therapist for now. I can talk to him about all my issues with my weight gain and skip away knowing that next week I will tell him all about my ups and downs of the week ahead of me.
I guess the hardest part of all this is living day to day. Every day I wake with the realization that yes, I did wake up this morning. Then my mind slowly registers that I have a kid to wake up and get ready for school. We have been doing a little better lately but honestly, I have trouble getting her to school on time. We both have trouble moving in the morning, and sometimes I just flat out don't wake up till 8:15. It is now six months post chemo and I feel like I should be moving faster then I am and keeping up with things better but from what the teachers at her school tell me I gather that I am an awful parent who shouldn't be aloud to raise a child. I understand that all my child's problems stem from me and are a direct reflection of me. Well ok, some of that may be true. I mean everyday I do realize that I do not deserve to raise this child. I do realize that if God really knew what he was doing I would have died a long time ago so she could be raised by my parents, or my friend, or someone, anyone who can get her to school, afford her uniforms, help her with homework at any given moment because they always feel ok except for an occasional cold or something. But frankly, all the school she misses is because of her sicknesses and not mine...the only school she misses because of me is her tardies...I am frickin sorry! To all you teachers out there, before you try and accuse, try on their shoes first.
First of all, I am above all things a single mother. I am the only human being that sees her every day, feeds her, helps her with homework, brings her to dance twice a week, picks her up from DI, helps her study, does the laundry, washes dishes, etc. Now let me put this into another perspective for you...you see all those little kids with bald heads who are sick that you send money to so you can feel so great about yourself, well guess what, for five frickin years I was one of those little kids except I was grown, with responsibilities. The only reason I even still have my child today is because of the help I received from my mother, my friend Elisa, and Madisyn's Aunt Toni, and Lynn and Ray on getting her to school. Well now Madisyn and I are on our own, I try my hardest but goodness, yes we are tardy! PLUS she has been sick since the day she was born so don't give me this bull about she is only doing it because she is stressed about being tardy everyday! As I type this I am listening to my daughter go on about her sore throat, not to mention we have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow because she has a rash all over that will not go away. Hey teach, rashes that don't go away are not from stress!!!!
Anyways, so if you don't know what I have been dealing with a lately I guess you now do. That is just one thing. I don't like to make these posts so long so I will just have to end it with this, if you had a kid in your class sick from cancer, what adjustments would you make? Well think about that then I want you to think about a child who for all ten years of her life has fought disease after disease, blessedly none of them cancer. What kind of adjustments should be made for that kid? Then tell me, why is it different? She misses school because of things like mono, scarlett fever, mono again, strep, then strep again, then strep until we finally remove her tonsils, ear infection after ear infection, the child had six surgeries before she was even five, so ain't no way this is caused by MY DISEASE! My child just has a low immune system and is susceptible to catching everything that ever comes near her. Now, so do I. She has a mother with Stage 4 Cancer, and if you don't know what stage 4 means then look it up. Her one and only person to lean on fights for her life everyday, so next time you think of messing with a family, take a better look at what you are messing with. It is not me or Madisyn who in the end will have to pay for this, it is you when you have to look God in the face knowing what torture you put both of us through everyday for an entire year.
I guess the hardest part of all this is living day to day. Every day I wake with the realization that yes, I did wake up this morning. Then my mind slowly registers that I have a kid to wake up and get ready for school. We have been doing a little better lately but honestly, I have trouble getting her to school on time. We both have trouble moving in the morning, and sometimes I just flat out don't wake up till 8:15. It is now six months post chemo and I feel like I should be moving faster then I am and keeping up with things better but from what the teachers at her school tell me I gather that I am an awful parent who shouldn't be aloud to raise a child. I understand that all my child's problems stem from me and are a direct reflection of me. Well ok, some of that may be true. I mean everyday I do realize that I do not deserve to raise this child. I do realize that if God really knew what he was doing I would have died a long time ago so she could be raised by my parents, or my friend, or someone, anyone who can get her to school, afford her uniforms, help her with homework at any given moment because they always feel ok except for an occasional cold or something. But frankly, all the school she misses is because of her sicknesses and not mine...the only school she misses because of me is her tardies...I am frickin sorry! To all you teachers out there, before you try and accuse, try on their shoes first.
First of all, I am above all things a single mother. I am the only human being that sees her every day, feeds her, helps her with homework, brings her to dance twice a week, picks her up from DI, helps her study, does the laundry, washes dishes, etc. Now let me put this into another perspective for you...you see all those little kids with bald heads who are sick that you send money to so you can feel so great about yourself, well guess what, for five frickin years I was one of those little kids except I was grown, with responsibilities. The only reason I even still have my child today is because of the help I received from my mother, my friend Elisa, and Madisyn's Aunt Toni, and Lynn and Ray on getting her to school. Well now Madisyn and I are on our own, I try my hardest but goodness, yes we are tardy! PLUS she has been sick since the day she was born so don't give me this bull about she is only doing it because she is stressed about being tardy everyday! As I type this I am listening to my daughter go on about her sore throat, not to mention we have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow because she has a rash all over that will not go away. Hey teach, rashes that don't go away are not from stress!!!!
Anyways, so if you don't know what I have been dealing with a lately I guess you now do. That is just one thing. I don't like to make these posts so long so I will just have to end it with this, if you had a kid in your class sick from cancer, what adjustments would you make? Well think about that then I want you to think about a child who for all ten years of her life has fought disease after disease, blessedly none of them cancer. What kind of adjustments should be made for that kid? Then tell me, why is it different? She misses school because of things like mono, scarlett fever, mono again, strep, then strep again, then strep until we finally remove her tonsils, ear infection after ear infection, the child had six surgeries before she was even five, so ain't no way this is caused by MY DISEASE! My child just has a low immune system and is susceptible to catching everything that ever comes near her. Now, so do I. She has a mother with Stage 4 Cancer, and if you don't know what stage 4 means then look it up. Her one and only person to lean on fights for her life everyday, so next time you think of messing with a family, take a better look at what you are messing with. It is not me or Madisyn who in the end will have to pay for this, it is you when you have to look God in the face knowing what torture you put both of us through everyday for an entire year.
No comments:
Post a Comment