Friday, August 14, 2015

too much thinking and decisions...

I met with my Houston oncologist today.  There was a lot said.  A lot of confusing information that I'm trying to process.  Maybe by talking on here it will help me process it.  So here goes.

First thing we discussed was my cancer hadn't progressed that much. She said I could possibly stay on the drug, Halaven, that I was taking.  After telling her about all the pain from the growth of the tumors she agreed, that if I think we need to stop then we need to stop.  The tumors may not have grown significantly but they have grown enough that I feel them pressing on my chest.  So much pain.  My pain doctor adjusted one of my meds so the pain is now controlled but if it's growing to where I can feel it then that's too much to me.  My local oncologist agreed with me, so like I said, my Texas doctor agreed as well.

I was disheartened to find out that although my heart is better, it's not completely better.  Because my heart got so bad last time (as the doctor put it "scary bad"), plus my pulmonary embolism, with the fact that I'm on oxygen, I will not qualify for clinical trails anymore.  I also won't be able to take anymore Her2 medicine's.  So I'm limited in treatment option's still.

We discussed an estrogen targeted treatment option.  I wasn't completely for it.  I felt like I've been on many of those with no success.  At that point my doctor than brought up the fact that I've been on alot of chemo and it's always progressed.  Then she reminded me that we will always have progression we just keep changing medicine.  She told me we had a finite amount of chemo and I've done most of it.  I guess she was trying to say we should try the estrogen medicine and save chemo for when that stops working.

She then gave me this other option.  Palliative care.  I quickly nixed that and tried not to be offended by it.  I'm not giving up.  Not now, not ever.  I will take every last medicine, then when they have nothing left to offer, go to another hospital.  I guess this is the way of the chronic cancer patient.  

Then she said, let's just biopsy one of your tumors, see if it's still going to respond to estrogen therapy and make our decision after we get the results.  So that's what we decided.  I have an ultrasound guided biopsy on Monday and sometime after that find out the results, then make the decision on treatment.  

After I left I just kept thinking about the fact that she brought up palliative care.  The second doctor to do so.  I just kept wondering, is it really time to be thinking of that?

No.  I decided it definitely is not time to start thinking that way.  I have way to much life left to live.  I'm not giving up.  If I stop treatment that's what I'm doing, giving up.  At least that's the way it feels.  I've lived this long already.  What a waste it would be to give up.  I may not like the way my life is right now and has been for the last decade but at least I have one.  I'll keep trucking as long as the Good Lord allows.  He has plans for me yet.

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