oh this emotional roller coaster

I know it has been awhile since I have written anything.  It has been a busy few months.  Well emotionally busy.  I did have a minor surgery I am still recovering from.  My MediPort became infected (or so we thought) and antibiotics didn't work.  A hole formed and I was at the surgeons office one day wondering what was happening and what do we do about it and the next I was on the operating table.  It was so scary for me.  I was scared because of my heart and by the Grace of God came through it wonderfully.  He removed the MediPort and since then, daily, I have a home health nurse come a clean and dress my wound.  In fact, I see him on Wednesday to see what the next steps are.  Maybe I can stop having it changed every day, and maybe just twice a week or something.  I'm kind of ready for it to be over with, but I will miss my nurses!  It's like having a friend come over everyday to see you!

Back to being emotionally busy... It has taken awhile for me to wrap my brain around all of this. This new cancer in my right lung. Not only that, the fact that I have a tumor in my sternum, that crushed my sternum and patiently I wait, wondering if this is the day it crushes my heart.  In fact my head is not completely wrapped around anything.  I wonder what is better, a sudden death or this going slowly but surely.  Before cancer I didn't think about death so much.  I knew it would happen, sometimes I would have panic attacks about the fact that I may one day die and so will everyone else.  But it was nothing like this.

I can't watch a movie preview without thinking to myself "I hope I am alive to see that".  I can't make a doctor's appointment without wondering if someone will have to call and cancel because I died.  Am I going to see my daughter turn 16?  Am I going to see her graduate high school?  What about college? Will I see her get married?  Am I going to be able to finish reading this Harry Potter series?  What about the One Year Bible I started, will I finish it?  It's thoughts like these that haunt me daily, nightly, and all time in between.  

The crazy thing is, at the same time I am wondering, "what am I doing with my life?" I think to myself, "You should go to school, you should be working, you should be able to keep your house spotless at all times"  All these things come and go, alongside all the other things.  I certainly could hold a record for the most negative thoughts at one time.

The depression that seems to have come with my last M.D. Anderson's appointment is outrageous.  All television shows make me cry.  Commercials make me cry.  I feel as though I have the hormones of a pregnant woman.  Quite impossible since my removal of my Ovaries and Fallopian tubes but still something I find myself struggling with now.  

Oh my gosh and I can't even get into the anxiety.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I know I have discussed this before but it has such a level in my life I can't not bring it up.  I have anxiety for anything and everything.  

But in a way, I feel I am dealing as good as I can.  My brain may be going in a swirling motion at all times.  My heart beating fast yet steady.  Plus sometimes I am as numb as can be.  Frozen in place not knowing how to move.  Not knowing what to do.  But in ways I am happy.  Happier than ever.  Sure I get frustrated about not driving but I love my life.  My little apartment.  My family.  My friends.  My survivor sisters.  I have more happiness than some perfectly healthy people out there I bet.  In a way I feel I am lucky.  I know I am lucky.

I have some good people in my life that keep me busy.  They come in all forms.  Friends, neighbors, family, fellow survivors,nurses, doctors, in their own way, they all keep me in line.  They help me stay on top of my life.  So thanks to each of you for being you.  For keeping me busy.  For helping me enjoy what's left to my life and not letting me stay down for too long at a time.  I appreciate you.  You all know who you are.

Most of you have brought up to me the topic of setting up a gofundme of some sort.  To help with hospital bills, bills, groceries, necessities.  So I want to let you know I am looking into it today and hopefully will have it set up soon.  I will share.  One thing I want to set up is a gofundme for my funeral expenses.  I know my parents don't have the money for it and I don't have life insurance so be on the lookout for that as well.  As soon as I get everything sorted I will post. 

Also there has been conversation about a meal calendar and stuff that I may need help with so I will be looking into that as well.  I will look into what kinds there are and what fits my needs best.  

Thanks again everyone for caring enough to even ask me to do stuff like this.  I am honored to have you in my life.