damn lungs

So.  This is one of those suck ass blogs.  One that I dread writing, but I know I have to because I feel like, well, this is what I do.  I write about it.  When I don't know how to react, what to do, how to feel, where to turn, I write.  So here I am.

I'm gonna start this off but saying I have been feeling good.  I noticed I had to purposely use my oxygen more; like on walks to go bring the dog out, at home when I normally wouldn't, stuff like that.  Didn't think much of it but something like, "hey I'm supposed to be wearing it anyway".  Other than that, my pain has been controlled, I haven't been having nausea or other problems.  My iron has been okay except this last appointment on Tuesday when I had to get a Procrit shot.  

My anxiety is killing me right now.  Just the fact that I have to think about what is going on inside me, it just is killing me.  I've been doing a good job of forgetting it.  Or just not thinking about it so far.  But writing this is making me think about it.

So I went to Houston this week for a check up.  I felt fine, like I said.  I felt confident.  But the doctor came in immediately asking how was my breathing.  I shrugged like, "fine I guess".  The treatment had been working mostly everywhere but there are some new spots on my right lung.  She showed them to me and they are so bright.  Now that they are bright they compared them to the previous scan in November and the spots were there but very light.  So I have cancer in my right lung.  There, I said it.  My stomach is slowly untwisting itself.

The worst part wasn't finding out I had cancer in my lung.  It was what she explained after.  She explained how now that it is there, don't be surprised if something happens.  Examples:  it spreads into both my lungs, or i die, or it spreads into other organs.  She just wanted to prepare me for anything.  I cried like a baby for probably six hours.  Silent tears flowing as we drove back from Texas, imagining Madisyn without her mom, picturing the discussion of deciding for a millionth time where she would like to live when I'm gone, thinking about how everyone's life will continue on once mine is over.  

Then I started panicking about how we could die in a car wreck on the way home.  Anxiety just has been sneaking in everywhere.  It is getting ridiculous.  Car rides especially, and especially at night.  Suddenly I am noticing pain in all my tumors and I know it has got to do with my anxiety but it is driving me nuts.  

This is just another phase.  It will pass.  I will get used to it, just like I did when I found out it was in my bone.  It's just gonna take a minute.

xoxo

shannon