I just am not one of those people

I know, I know. It's been forever since I have written.  So, I have a little bit of catching you guys up to do.  I have been back to M.D Anderson's twice since I last wrote anything.  

I was on medicines Aromasin and Affinitor.  I went back once and had great news.  No new tumors and some that I had, had become benign.  It was great news in fact.  So great I was too nervous to share it.  I felt like the moment I told anyone I would get some phone call telling me that they read the reports wrong and it was all a big mistake.  It really did not feel real.  I have been taking in bad news for so long i did not know how to deal with good news.  In a way I feel bad because I didn't give ya'll a chance to celebrate with me.  I should have shouted it from the rooftops but it seemed to good to be true.

Unfortunately it was.  I went back three months later just to find out I have new tumors on both my lungs and in my right hip.  Yes, multiple tumors on both my lungs.  Plus elsewhere things had gotten worse.  So, my good news was, in fact, short lived.  Plus, I am now faced with the fact that I have taken most of the medicine approved already and there are only two medicines left.  One that has a big ole chance of heart failure.  The other is your run of the mill, makes you feel like shit, chemo.  

And then my doctor once again tried to convince me to stop treatment and just let the cancer do it's job.  But live the last of my life without the burden of treatment.  She almost convinced me too.

So after a lot of debating it with myself and others.  Thinking of pros and cons.  And just being reasonable, I have decided on the run of the mill, makes you feel like shit, chemo.  My heart is too precious to me and it has been through a lot.  I do not know that it could handle another medicine that could hurt it.  I talked it over with my oncologist here and she agreed and said "Once your heart has taken a hit like yours has, it doesn't take much to bring it back down" or something like that.  

But I do go back to M.D. Andersons for an appointment to check my heart on the 28th of this month, then to see my doctor on the 30th, then to go and talk with Phase I Clinical Trials on Dec 1st.  Because that is the next step.  Phase I Clinical Trials.  I am no longer a candidate for other clinical trials because of my hearts history but apparently I can still do Phase I trials.  

I'm seriously nervous about all of it.  About the way my cancer seems to be spreading at an accelerated pace now, the chemo, the Phase I Clinical Trials, and watching my life span shorten right in front of my face.

I understand some people live their lives ready to meet their maker.  I just am not one of those people.  I want to be here to see Madisyn graduate high school.  I want to see her graduate college.  I want to see how her life ends up.  Does she get married?  Have kids?  Does she become the teacher she so wants to be?  Or does she become an artist, a graphic designer, anything related to art?  

I'm so nervous about it all.  I know plenty of people have gone before me and they rest in peace but I am not ready for it.  I know when I die, I won't regret dying but right now I don't want to die yet.

After all this time not writing, this is all I can think of to write.  I wish I had more for you today but, that's all folks!

Lots of love,

Shannon