what if the pre-meds don't work

Oh it has been a nice few days.  My last appointment was Saturday for bloodwork.  She got the preliminary results back and it showed definite effects from the medicine.  What exactly does that mean, no clue.  I just know they are happy with the decision to treat me as an inpatient for my next dose of the drug on Wednesday.  If they are happy, I am happy.  Slightly nervous but happy.  Okay really nervous.  Logically I know they are going to pre-medicate me for this dose so it shouldn't be like it was last week but in the back of my mind I have a billion what if's going on.

I won't go into all of them but they kind of go like this:  what if the pre-meds don't work, what if the pre-meds don't work, what if the pre-meds don't work.  Okay, one what if.  Then I have a bunch of things that come after the what if.  What if the pre-meds don't work and the reaction to the drug is stronger than it was last time?  What if the pre-meds don't work and I die?  What if the pre-meds don't work and I die?  What if the pre-meds don't work and I die?  You get the picture I'm sure. 

I know I have made it clear on this blog that I am not ready to die nor will I ever be.  At least I don't think I will.  As long as I have Madisyn I will never be ready.  Sometimes I think, once she graduates from high school it will be okay if I pass.  Then I think, she will need me even more once she starts college.  Then I see people post how much they miss their parents and even the thought of losing mine sends me into a frenzy, so I think never.  I will never be comfortable leaving.  I think of all the people I have lost along the way who had kids and think, well they did it.  Of course I know we do not get the option to choose when our time happens.  But I would like to think I will be ready for it.  Prepared.  I want to be one of those people who wants to meet Jesus so bad they just can't wait for the day.  But I am not.  Does this make me a bad person?  I think it makes me human.  I think it makes me honest.  But a bad person?  Non Christianlike?  Judge me if you want, but just so you know, your judgement doesn't matter to me.  Until you are in my shoes, you don't know.  Only His judgement matters and we don't know until we get there how he feels about cancer and facing death.

Now I know you probably weren't judging me to begin with but I went on a tangent anyways.  Had to get it out. 

Big shout out to Casey for taking care of Madisyn while I am gone!  Thanks so much for always being there for me! 

So what if...I guess we shall see.  I go inpatient Tuesday for treatment Wednesday at 12:35. 

Oh and here is my address here:

Shannon McAlister Bridges
c/o Dan's House of Hope
4917 Jackson St.
Houston, TX  77004

xoxoxo,

Shannon