oh this emotional roller coaster

I know it has been awhile since I have written anything.  It has been a busy few months.  Well emotionally busy.  I did have a minor surgery I am still recovering from.  My MediPort became infected (or so we thought) and antibiotics didn't work.  A hole formed and I was at the surgeons office one day wondering what was happening and what do we do about it and the next I was on the operating table.  It was so scary for me.  I was scared because of my heart and by the Grace of God came through it wonderfully.  He removed the MediPort and since then, daily, I have a home health nurse come a clean and dress my wound.  In fact, I see him on Wednesday to see what the next steps are.  Maybe I can stop having it changed every day, and maybe just twice a week or something.  I'm kind of ready for it to be over with, but I will miss my nurses!  It's like having a friend come over everyday to see you!

Back to being emotionally busy... It has taken awhile for me to wrap my brain around all of this. This new cancer in my right lung. Not only that, the fact that I have a tumor in my sternum, that crushed my sternum and patiently I wait, wondering if this is the day it crushes my heart.  In fact my head is not completely wrapped around anything.  I wonder what is better, a sudden death or this going slowly but surely.  Before cancer I didn't think about death so much.  I knew it would happen, sometimes I would have panic attacks about the fact that I may one day die and so will everyone else.  But it was nothing like this.

I can't watch a movie preview without thinking to myself "I hope I am alive to see that".  I can't make a doctor's appointment without wondering if someone will have to call and cancel because I died.  Am I going to see my daughter turn 16?  Am I going to see her graduate high school?  What about college? Will I see her get married?  Am I going to be able to finish reading this Harry Potter series?  What about the One Year Bible I started, will I finish it?  It's thoughts like these that haunt me daily, nightly, and all time in between.  

The crazy thing is, at the same time I am wondering, "what am I doing with my life?" I think to myself, "You should go to school, you should be working, you should be able to keep your house spotless at all times"  All these things come and go, alongside all the other things.  I certainly could hold a record for the most negative thoughts at one time.

The depression that seems to have come with my last M.D. Anderson's appointment is outrageous.  All television shows make me cry.  Commercials make me cry.  I feel as though I have the hormones of a pregnant woman.  Quite impossible since my removal of my Ovaries and Fallopian tubes but still something I find myself struggling with now.  

Oh my gosh and I can't even get into the anxiety.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I know I have discussed this before but it has such a level in my life I can't not bring it up.  I have anxiety for anything and everything.  

But in a way, I feel I am dealing as good as I can.  My brain may be going in a swirling motion at all times.  My heart beating fast yet steady.  Plus sometimes I am as numb as can be.  Frozen in place not knowing how to move.  Not knowing what to do.  But in ways I am happy.  Happier than ever.  Sure I get frustrated about not driving but I love my life.  My little apartment.  My family.  My friends.  My survivor sisters.  I have more happiness than some perfectly healthy people out there I bet.  In a way I feel I am lucky.  I know I am lucky.

I have some good people in my life that keep me busy.  They come in all forms.  Friends, neighbors, family, fellow survivors,nurses, doctors, in their own way, they all keep me in line.  They help me stay on top of my life.  So thanks to each of you for being you.  For keeping me busy.  For helping me enjoy what's left to my life and not letting me stay down for too long at a time.  I appreciate you.  You all know who you are.

Most of you have brought up to me the topic of setting up a gofundme of some sort.  To help with hospital bills, bills, groceries, necessities.  So I want to let you know I am looking into it today and hopefully will have it set up soon.  I will share.  One thing I want to set up is a gofundme for my funeral expenses.  I know my parents don't have the money for it and I don't have life insurance so be on the lookout for that as well.  As soon as I get everything sorted I will post. 

Also there has been conversation about a meal calendar and stuff that I may need help with so I will be looking into that as well.  I will look into what kinds there are and what fits my needs best.  

Thanks again everyone for caring enough to even ask me to do stuff like this.  I am honored to have you in my life.

Just me

I have been depressed.  In fact I have battled a lifetime of depression since my hormones kicked in.  Fortunately I never succumbed to wanting to give up.  After I had Madisyn she gave me a reason to live.  I still battled daily and tried different medications for depression but to no avail.  Recently I went to my first psychiatrist ever.  After an forty five minutes of talking she diagnosed me as bipolar.  Whether I have always been bipolar or not I don't know but she put me on a new medication.  For the first time in my life I haven't  had constant thoughts of suicide.  It has been great but just recently I have been sliding down course again.  I know its not a cure and I will still have ups and downs but for the first time in my life I feel the need to tell you guys about it.

I have gone through five years of chemo, most days still wishing I could just die.  I would think to myself, why the chemo if I want to die?  I never had a good answer for myself.  I would tell myself I have my baby to be here for, my family and friends, but in the end I would still be thinking about dying.  It wasn't that I even wanted to be dead, I just wanted to be free.  Free from the constant worries in my head.  Free from the constant feeling of not being good enough for anyone.  Free from the worries of my weight, what I looked like, what people thought of me, and the constant feel of judging I always felt.

I'm not saying its all gone right now.  I am just saying its better.  Madisyn and I had a great weekend, hitting the Susan Komen Race for the Cure Saturday morning and then on to the parade downtown Baton Rouge.  We put pink coloring in our hair, sprayed ourselves with glitter, brought along our little dog, Bella, and met up with our friend Danielle and two of her kids and had a genuine good time.  I used to do stuff but always in the back of my head be in a hole wishing I wasn't there.  Where did I want to go?  I have no idea.  I would feel that way at home too so that couldn't have been where I wanted to be.

Things started to get better when I met someone so awesome.  My friend, Liz, she has carried me through some deep holes in which others backed away from me.  She showed me that I am an awesome person, friend, no matter what I looked like or how much cancer I have, or what kind of mood I am in.  Both Danielle and Liz have helped so much in accepting myself for who I am.  I have tons of others to thank, Nikki , Elizabeth, Delynn, Dino, and anonymous people from church for everything they help me with on a day to day basis.  I have friends that I don't see as much as I want to but they know I love them, Leigh Anne, Lauren, Leslie, Elisa, Dominick, Casey B&L, Michelle, Dawn, and the list could go on.  I miss my best friend that I had for a whole lifetime until one day we got into a fight and have had trouble even being civil to each other.  One day maybe we will be able to move forward Kelly.  To my family for accepting me, even if they aren't to fond of the person I am, thanks.

I was able to live in the moment and live my life this weekend.  It was a good feeling.  Maybe telling you guys about it will pick me back up from going down this hill I seem to be going towards.  Maybe this can help someone else.  I don't know.  But thanks for listening.

Shannon