oh this emotional roller coaster

I know it has been awhile since I have written anything.  It has been a busy few months.  Well emotionally busy.  I did have a minor surgery I am still recovering from.  My MediPort became infected (or so we thought) and antibiotics didn't work.  A hole formed and I was at the surgeons office one day wondering what was happening and what do we do about it and the next I was on the operating table.  It was so scary for me.  I was scared because of my heart and by the Grace of God came through it wonderfully.  He removed the MediPort and since then, daily, I have a home health nurse come a clean and dress my wound.  In fact, I see him on Wednesday to see what the next steps are.  Maybe I can stop having it changed every day, and maybe just twice a week or something.  I'm kind of ready for it to be over with, but I will miss my nurses!  It's like having a friend come over everyday to see you!

Back to being emotionally busy... It has taken awhile for me to wrap my brain around all of this. This new cancer in my right lung. Not only that, the fact that I have a tumor in my sternum, that crushed my sternum and patiently I wait, wondering if this is the day it crushes my heart.  In fact my head is not completely wrapped around anything.  I wonder what is better, a sudden death or this going slowly but surely.  Before cancer I didn't think about death so much.  I knew it would happen, sometimes I would have panic attacks about the fact that I may one day die and so will everyone else.  But it was nothing like this.

I can't watch a movie preview without thinking to myself "I hope I am alive to see that".  I can't make a doctor's appointment without wondering if someone will have to call and cancel because I died.  Am I going to see my daughter turn 16?  Am I going to see her graduate high school?  What about college? Will I see her get married?  Am I going to be able to finish reading this Harry Potter series?  What about the One Year Bible I started, will I finish it?  It's thoughts like these that haunt me daily, nightly, and all time in between.  

The crazy thing is, at the same time I am wondering, "what am I doing with my life?" I think to myself, "You should go to school, you should be working, you should be able to keep your house spotless at all times"  All these things come and go, alongside all the other things.  I certainly could hold a record for the most negative thoughts at one time.

The depression that seems to have come with my last M.D. Anderson's appointment is outrageous.  All television shows make me cry.  Commercials make me cry.  I feel as though I have the hormones of a pregnant woman.  Quite impossible since my removal of my Ovaries and Fallopian tubes but still something I find myself struggling with now.  

Oh my gosh and I can't even get into the anxiety.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I know I have discussed this before but it has such a level in my life I can't not bring it up.  I have anxiety for anything and everything.  

But in a way, I feel I am dealing as good as I can.  My brain may be going in a swirling motion at all times.  My heart beating fast yet steady.  Plus sometimes I am as numb as can be.  Frozen in place not knowing how to move.  Not knowing what to do.  But in ways I am happy.  Happier than ever.  Sure I get frustrated about not driving but I love my life.  My little apartment.  My family.  My friends.  My survivor sisters.  I have more happiness than some perfectly healthy people out there I bet.  In a way I feel I am lucky.  I know I am lucky.

I have some good people in my life that keep me busy.  They come in all forms.  Friends, neighbors, family, fellow survivors,nurses, doctors, in their own way, they all keep me in line.  They help me stay on top of my life.  So thanks to each of you for being you.  For keeping me busy.  For helping me enjoy what's left to my life and not letting me stay down for too long at a time.  I appreciate you.  You all know who you are.

Most of you have brought up to me the topic of setting up a gofundme of some sort.  To help with hospital bills, bills, groceries, necessities.  So I want to let you know I am looking into it today and hopefully will have it set up soon.  I will share.  One thing I want to set up is a gofundme for my funeral expenses.  I know my parents don't have the money for it and I don't have life insurance so be on the lookout for that as well.  As soon as I get everything sorted I will post. 

Also there has been conversation about a meal calendar and stuff that I may need help with so I will be looking into that as well.  I will look into what kinds there are and what fits my needs best.  

Thanks again everyone for caring enough to even ask me to do stuff like this.  I am honored to have you in my life.

Just the truth

Okayyyyyy, so I wrote this a while back, to be exact it was October 27th.  I had no idea I didn't post it so here is some old news:

Hi! I want to start out with how much I love all of you for caring enough about us to view my blogs. I have had some very rough times and your kind words and beautiful outpouring of support mean the world to me. I also want to begin with how much I trust and believe in God's healing powers. I have been shown it over and over again. Years ago, the night before my double masectomy, the womens ministry at my church laid hands on my left breast. I had just found out I had tumors in my left arm lymphnodes and the doctors were looking for tumors to be in my left breast figuring it was another primary cancer (if you can't follow the cancer lingo just ask lol). I had such a feeling of power, the knowledge that there would be no cancer in my left breast. Well, low and behold, the test my left breast for tumors and find none. I call that a God intervention. He let me know he was here with me. There have been times when I didn't think I was going to make it another day. I have been in so much pain at different times. Allergic reactions, seizure, bone and muscle and bone marrow pain for days, weeks, months, at a time. I was in the ER one time and was severely dehydrated. The nurses and doctors couldn't get an IV into any veins. My arms that I let them try just because I had to, sometimes it's easier there and sometimes I don't want them to put and IV in my foot. Well, thank you lymphodema, in the foot or medi port it is! Well to finish my ER story, they tried my arms, hands, feet, neck, and finally had to opt for a central line. This consist of, not only a needle being stuck in your top middle part of your thigh, but a needle almost the size of an epirdural. Maybe it's bigger, I don't know. I just know it was huge. The whole process=2 hours. My sister/friend, Toni, was with me. She was there holding my hand and I could tell by the look on her face, scared to death for me. To finish this story, I wanted to say, at every different situation where I felt like it was my last second on this earth I would pray. I would be in non stop prayer. I would pray for His arms to embrace me and give me comfort. I would actually feel His arms around me. Almost as if He was holding me. I would sink into His arms and be at peace. Calm. Now don't get me wrong, I was scared. I was so scared of leaving my daughter but at the same time I would understand that if something happened to me she would be taken care of. In Jesus's arms I would wake each time. Now try and tell me there is no God.

I also want to be a little more honest. I am just going to acknowledge it. For all to see. For all to understand. I am putting this out here for all of you to know:
It is not fair. It is not fair. It is not fair. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and the thought that if I could choose someone to have cancer besides me, it would be me everytime. There is no way anyone I have ever met deserves this.
I get mad. Then I realize I don't even know who to be mad at.
I want to run. Disappear. Live on a beach. Meet the man of my dreams, who then moves us to a house on the beach. One thing always stops this dream. Cancer. There is no running. Every where I go it stays with me. Shannon, queen of running, cannot run from this.
The thought of having another surgery makes me sick to my stomach. Yet I know it is necessary. Bye bye ovaries...
The news today that one of my tumors has grown through me for a loop.
I cried about my cancer for the first time in over six months today.
Right now I am having a hard time coming to grips that chemo may be started again. I will return to Houston in two months and if it has grown anymore chemo starts again.
I still haven't written my first book.
Or my second book.
I need a publisher.
Bradley Cooper needs to realize that we are meant to be, soon.
Bradley Cooper, I really lost all respect for you when you started dating J-Lo. What are you thinking?
I need everyone to bring me their funny movies so when I am layed up after surgery I can laugh.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck make the cutest little people.
Right now I have to return a phone call to my gynocologist to schedule surgery, my physical therapist to schedule therapy, my therapist to schedule a session, Walgreens MedMart to schedule a medicine delivery of my Tykerb, the maintenance drug that has worked for so long until now. I need to call Madisyn's doctor for a medicine refill, make an appointment for the eye doctor, the TMJ doctor, my local oncologist(well I have to find out if I scheduled an appointment or not..I forget and can't find an appointment card-this happens all the time)
I have an amazing kid, she makes me smile.
She also makes me crazy sometimes ;-)
I have the greatest group of friends a girl can ask for.
While on chemo I am a cranky, tired, bald and on lots of meds that make me out there. Just love me, understand me, help me, be with me, hang with me, invite me places even if you know I will probably say no because I'm sick.
Offer to clean i.e. wash dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, laundry (thanks mom!), help with my bill organizing, help with Madisyn as much as you can.
I love Twilight, Vampire Diaries, The Crow, Glee, The Secret Circle, Pretty Little Liars, Psych, James Dean, art, peace signs, the store Hot Topic, Dexter, The Game of Thorns, American Horror Story, Parks and Recreation, Up All Night, Raising Hope, and so much more.
I hate the Disney Channel.
I love Teen Nick.
I quote songs.
I write songs.
You will probably never hear them.
I quote movies.
I like to be in movies. Hollywood, here I am!
I am way to sarcastic at times. But I mean well.
I will never, have never phone stalked anyone.
Now, facebook stalked, that's a different story.
I love my parents and my family even though I don't show it.
Right now I just WANT to be depressed. Let me. I will bounce back, I need a grieving period.
I really do think Edward is too old for Bella.
Breaking Dawn is crazy.
I do think the reason for all the cancer around here has some Erin Brokovich story that just hasn't been discovered yet.
You will never find handi-capped parking at the oncologist's office, Crowne Plaza, Walmart, the Superdome during the Saints game, the psychiatrist office, the heart doctor, the neurologist office, and Barnes&Nobles (????).
My Bella is never coming home and I have to get over it.
I am sorry for anything I may have ever said or done to hurt you.
If my doctor writes me a prescription to not be around any kids but my own, listen. I did not talk her into it, she indepently wrote it because of my blood cell counts and the possibility of getting infections I could be hospitalized or worse killed from a virus when it is just a nuisance to your system and your system kills it.
.
I am spontaneous and wild yet an introvert at the same time.
I just want someone who loves me for both of my sides. Someone who can be wild and silly with me but at the same time respects when I need to be alone.

I try and I try to stay positive and turn to the promises of My God. I am human though. Jesus gave His life for me so that I may be forgiven of my sins.
Truth is I get scared.
Truth is I ignore cancer so it won't get me down. Truth is it doesn't matter what I think when my body tells me I'm sick it is hard to ignore.
I really do want to work. But a job working around all my doctors appointments and surgeries will be almost impossible to find much less keep.
I get overwhelmed by the phone calls, doctor's appointments, motherhood, doctor's bills, and really just life in general. I wish I could say I am living the life I am intended but I am not so sure I am.
I feel as though something big is in store for me. I don't know what or how or why, but I feel as though God has chosen me for something and I am steadily working towards His goal.
God know my heart. God knows my pain. God knows my heartache. God knows my strength.

I have shared enough lol. Maybe more next time.

As always, with love,

Shannon

Just me

I have been depressed.  In fact I have battled a lifetime of depression since my hormones kicked in.  Fortunately I never succumbed to wanting to give up.  After I had Madisyn she gave me a reason to live.  I still battled daily and tried different medications for depression but to no avail.  Recently I went to my first psychiatrist ever.  After an forty five minutes of talking she diagnosed me as bipolar.  Whether I have always been bipolar or not I don't know but she put me on a new medication.  For the first time in my life I haven't  had constant thoughts of suicide.  It has been great but just recently I have been sliding down course again.  I know its not a cure and I will still have ups and downs but for the first time in my life I feel the need to tell you guys about it.

I have gone through five years of chemo, most days still wishing I could just die.  I would think to myself, why the chemo if I want to die?  I never had a good answer for myself.  I would tell myself I have my baby to be here for, my family and friends, but in the end I would still be thinking about dying.  It wasn't that I even wanted to be dead, I just wanted to be free.  Free from the constant worries in my head.  Free from the constant feeling of not being good enough for anyone.  Free from the worries of my weight, what I looked like, what people thought of me, and the constant feel of judging I always felt.

I'm not saying its all gone right now.  I am just saying its better.  Madisyn and I had a great weekend, hitting the Susan Komen Race for the Cure Saturday morning and then on to the parade downtown Baton Rouge.  We put pink coloring in our hair, sprayed ourselves with glitter, brought along our little dog, Bella, and met up with our friend Danielle and two of her kids and had a genuine good time.  I used to do stuff but always in the back of my head be in a hole wishing I wasn't there.  Where did I want to go?  I have no idea.  I would feel that way at home too so that couldn't have been where I wanted to be.

Things started to get better when I met someone so awesome.  My friend, Liz, she has carried me through some deep holes in which others backed away from me.  She showed me that I am an awesome person, friend, no matter what I looked like or how much cancer I have, or what kind of mood I am in.  Both Danielle and Liz have helped so much in accepting myself for who I am.  I have tons of others to thank, Nikki , Elizabeth, Delynn, Dino, and anonymous people from church for everything they help me with on a day to day basis.  I have friends that I don't see as much as I want to but they know I love them, Leigh Anne, Lauren, Leslie, Elisa, Dominick, Casey B&L, Michelle, Dawn, and the list could go on.  I miss my best friend that I had for a whole lifetime until one day we got into a fight and have had trouble even being civil to each other.  One day maybe we will be able to move forward Kelly.  To my family for accepting me, even if they aren't to fond of the person I am, thanks.

I was able to live in the moment and live my life this weekend.  It was a good feeling.  Maybe telling you guys about it will pick me back up from going down this hill I seem to be going towards.  Maybe this can help someone else.  I don't know.  But thanks for listening.

Shannon