The Hidden Agenda

g***PLEAE NO ONE TAKE THIS PERSONALLY, I HAVE HAD AMAZING HELP THROUGH EVERYTHING BUT ALSO EXPERIENCES THINGS THAT SURPRISED ME AND FELT OBLIGATED TO WRITE ABOUT IT***

When I was twenty five my life changed. After years of independence I had to learn to depend on others. The main thing I have learned since then is that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. I have had plenty of wonderful experiences with people loving me and expecting nothing in return. People who genuinely want to help me and Madisyn. But for the most part I have learned that when someone helps you they expect double in return. From you. In a perfect world people would realize that when you help one person God will bless you in return, not from that one person specifically but in ways you never expect. Maybe God will bless you by a complete stranger. Maybe God will bless you by sending you an extra angel who watches over you and your family. But God has a plan and in due time he sees his promises through. What I have come to realize that no help comes for free and you can say thank you until you are blue in the face but it is never enough and people want more from you. It doesn’t matter how they have helped you, they are taking notes. Even when they don’t realize it they have a notebook sheet in their heads with your name on top and every good deed they have done for you and whether or not they feel they have been paid back is taken note. It’s a sad day when you realize that they have all been keeping track. It doesn’t matter the years of volunteerism you put forth in the relationship you had with them before you needed their help, when you helped them without taking note. When you helped them out of the goodness of your heart because that’s what friends do and that’s what you feel God has led you to do at that moment in time. Then one day you need help and everything changes. All of a sudden you can’t be the person you used to be and you need their help. Some will come out the woodworks to help you, lots at first. Some will come, some will go. Some can’t handle the help you need whereas some stick in there because they love you but then some stay because they are keeping track. They are waiting to cash in on the “credit” they have with you. What appears to be God putting His hand in your life could very well be the devil in disguise. I don’t have any way to tell the difference, its hard. Sometimes things can seem so God related, God given and it takes awhile for you to find out the real reason behind others agenda’s. Why can’t people give with a giving heart? What are your experiences with people giving? Has it been common for some to have a “hidden agenda”? Even being sick, do some people expect so much from you that you can’t function from overload? Please share….

Oh me o my

So, its been a pretty uneventful couple of weeks.  I had chemo and slept for a week, then got stood up for a date I had, and my bloodwork came back as something being active in my liver and bones....well kind of uneventful.  I won't find out until I go back to Texas at the beginning of February if that bloodwork result actually means anything. 

So that brings me to the normal flow of my life.  The Xeloda makes me so exhausted all the time.  I have a couple days where I feel ok but for the most part if I do anything I have to take a five hour nap after.  I have started to loose my hair again.  I almost look like I have a mohawk...ok..I look like I have a mohawk...there is no almost about it.  It is so awful..lol.  I have parts of my head that are flowing with hair (mainly the back) and parts that have no hair.  I haven't decided if I shave it or not.  Most probably the clippers will come out.  I look better buzz cut then with this retarded mohawk.  I look ridiculous.  I wear my wig at all times now..lol.  My ex is going to come buzz cut it tomorrow, I will post pics. 

On a positive note, I've lost a good 7 inches in my waist.  Yay me!  Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that everything taste likes cardboard and if I manage to get it down it will then procede to come right back out....not all the time so don't be worried..but often enough I guess lol.  I am loving the way I look now so it has helped tremendously with my self esteem.  Some of you may think I am nuts for even being excited about the weight loss, but hey, the 80 pounds cancer gave me had to let up sometime.  It's just plain rude that with all the crud I've had to go through that I had to blow up like a balloon so people didn't even know who I was when I saw them.   Now try that on to your self esteem...how would that make you feel? 

Did I tell you guys that I finally found a wig that I absolutey love?  It came from the Greater Baton Rouge Flea Market on Airline Hwy going towards Gonzales.  This awesome lady opened up this shop with wigs because her mom had cancer.  The wig was only $35!  It looks so much better then my several hundred dollar wig that I got when I first got cancer.  I wore that wig twice maybe.  People complement me on my hair all the time...you should see their faces when I tell them they can get their own hair like this at the flea market for $35...lol.  Yes I do say that.  http://www.fleamarketoflouisiana.com/

So, sometime last year my doctor wrote me a prescription to no longer watch anyone's kids but my own.  To rest and take care of myself.  It is still on my fridge, just as a reminder.   Well, the other day she wrote me a prescription to stay awake more often, get out the house, and to do something.  It is now on my fridge right next to my other prescription.  The latter prescription is a slight contradiction compared to the other one.  I wonder if she realizes that...lol.  Don't worry I will point it out when I go on Friday. 

Today is a better day then most days, thank God!  I appreciate this day so much, because I know today I start chemo and this whole week will be a blur and I won't have any recollection of this day or any other day this week by Sunday.  It sucks.  Sometimes I can make myself get out the house during chemo week, only if whoever wants me to come with them comes over, gets me dressed, well makes me get dressed, and drags me out of the house.  If I stay on top of my medicine I can manage to get around, stay awake, and look half way decent.  Don't ask me to remember anything that happens though or you will be very disappointed.  Sorry I can't help it.  Its just something the people I love half to get used to and most of them have, not all.  Some hold it against me, and I understand that they have no idea how my life goes and how I feel, and how my life really is because when they see me I put on a happy face for them.  You would think me passing out in five minute intervals would clue them in but like I said, sometimes people just don't understand.  No matter what is said about me to my face or behind my back I still love all of them and when they are willing to understand I will be here.  The chemo messes with my memory, my attitude, my consciousness, and so much more.  Its not just the chemo, its the amount of chemo I have received in the past four years.  Most of it being in the past 14 months.  If you ask a first time cancer patient about how they feel during chemo they will tell you how they made it through it, but it was hard.  Ask them to imagine continuing the treatment for four years and then 14 months of hard chemo in a row, they would be horrified.  I promise.  I would have been if I had known after the first time I had chemo that I would still be doing this after four years.  I would have not been able to comprehend it.  I make my way through every day the best that I can.  Some days worse then others. 

So enough of that noise.  Like I said today is a good day and thats all I need to focus on.  I am so lucky to be here after all these years.  This June is my 5 year cancerversary.  A milestone in the cancer world.  A day that is a miracle in my world.  I am so blessed to have all the love and support  from all of you.  All of you have been my angel at some point or another.  Thank you.

Christmas was absolutely amazing.  Madisyn had one of the best Christmas's ever.  Thanks to all of you.  I didn't have to spend a dime.  Fortunately, because I was sick and never left the house anyways.  Plus money is an issue.  After bills and food...well food for the first week or two...there is nothing left.  We stay happy and fed though.  Some wonderful friends bring us food plus some even strangers bring us food from our church...they aren't strangers anymore of course...I love all of you!  One girl from our church bought both me and Madisyn new bedding...the best bedding in the world....no need to get out of bed anymore...lol. 

Well I talked your ear off so I will stop now....every one check out the Amazon search box on my page....go shopping!  Love you all!
Shannon