Just the truth

Okayyyyyy, so I wrote this a while back, to be exact it was October 27th.  I had no idea I didn't post it so here is some old news:

Hi! I want to start out with how much I love all of you for caring enough about us to view my blogs. I have had some very rough times and your kind words and beautiful outpouring of support mean the world to me. I also want to begin with how much I trust and believe in God's healing powers. I have been shown it over and over again. Years ago, the night before my double masectomy, the womens ministry at my church laid hands on my left breast. I had just found out I had tumors in my left arm lymphnodes and the doctors were looking for tumors to be in my left breast figuring it was another primary cancer (if you can't follow the cancer lingo just ask lol). I had such a feeling of power, the knowledge that there would be no cancer in my left breast. Well, low and behold, the test my left breast for tumors and find none. I call that a God intervention. He let me know he was here with me. There have been times when I didn't think I was going to make it another day. I have been in so much pain at different times. Allergic reactions, seizure, bone and muscle and bone marrow pain for days, weeks, months, at a time. I was in the ER one time and was severely dehydrated. The nurses and doctors couldn't get an IV into any veins. My arms that I let them try just because I had to, sometimes it's easier there and sometimes I don't want them to put and IV in my foot. Well, thank you lymphodema, in the foot or medi port it is! Well to finish my ER story, they tried my arms, hands, feet, neck, and finally had to opt for a central line. This consist of, not only a needle being stuck in your top middle part of your thigh, but a needle almost the size of an epirdural. Maybe it's bigger, I don't know. I just know it was huge. The whole process=2 hours. My sister/friend, Toni, was with me. She was there holding my hand and I could tell by the look on her face, scared to death for me. To finish this story, I wanted to say, at every different situation where I felt like it was my last second on this earth I would pray. I would be in non stop prayer. I would pray for His arms to embrace me and give me comfort. I would actually feel His arms around me. Almost as if He was holding me. I would sink into His arms and be at peace. Calm. Now don't get me wrong, I was scared. I was so scared of leaving my daughter but at the same time I would understand that if something happened to me she would be taken care of. In Jesus's arms I would wake each time. Now try and tell me there is no God.

I also want to be a little more honest. I am just going to acknowledge it. For all to see. For all to understand. I am putting this out here for all of you to know:
It is not fair. It is not fair. It is not fair. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and the thought that if I could choose someone to have cancer besides me, it would be me everytime. There is no way anyone I have ever met deserves this.
I get mad. Then I realize I don't even know who to be mad at.
I want to run. Disappear. Live on a beach. Meet the man of my dreams, who then moves us to a house on the beach. One thing always stops this dream. Cancer. There is no running. Every where I go it stays with me. Shannon, queen of running, cannot run from this.
The thought of having another surgery makes me sick to my stomach. Yet I know it is necessary. Bye bye ovaries...
The news today that one of my tumors has grown through me for a loop.
I cried about my cancer for the first time in over six months today.
Right now I am having a hard time coming to grips that chemo may be started again. I will return to Houston in two months and if it has grown anymore chemo starts again.
I still haven't written my first book.
Or my second book.
I need a publisher.
Bradley Cooper needs to realize that we are meant to be, soon.
Bradley Cooper, I really lost all respect for you when you started dating J-Lo. What are you thinking?
I need everyone to bring me their funny movies so when I am layed up after surgery I can laugh.
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck make the cutest little people.
Right now I have to return a phone call to my gynocologist to schedule surgery, my physical therapist to schedule therapy, my therapist to schedule a session, Walgreens MedMart to schedule a medicine delivery of my Tykerb, the maintenance drug that has worked for so long until now. I need to call Madisyn's doctor for a medicine refill, make an appointment for the eye doctor, the TMJ doctor, my local oncologist(well I have to find out if I scheduled an appointment or not..I forget and can't find an appointment card-this happens all the time)
I have an amazing kid, she makes me smile.
She also makes me crazy sometimes ;-)
I have the greatest group of friends a girl can ask for.
While on chemo I am a cranky, tired, bald and on lots of meds that make me out there. Just love me, understand me, help me, be with me, hang with me, invite me places even if you know I will probably say no because I'm sick.
Offer to clean i.e. wash dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, laundry (thanks mom!), help with my bill organizing, help with Madisyn as much as you can.
I love Twilight, Vampire Diaries, The Crow, Glee, The Secret Circle, Pretty Little Liars, Psych, James Dean, art, peace signs, the store Hot Topic, Dexter, The Game of Thorns, American Horror Story, Parks and Recreation, Up All Night, Raising Hope, and so much more.
I hate the Disney Channel.
I love Teen Nick.
I quote songs.
I write songs.
You will probably never hear them.
I quote movies.
I like to be in movies. Hollywood, here I am!
I am way to sarcastic at times. But I mean well.
I will never, have never phone stalked anyone.
Now, facebook stalked, that's a different story.
I love my parents and my family even though I don't show it.
Right now I just WANT to be depressed. Let me. I will bounce back, I need a grieving period.
I really do think Edward is too old for Bella.
Breaking Dawn is crazy.
I do think the reason for all the cancer around here has some Erin Brokovich story that just hasn't been discovered yet.
You will never find handi-capped parking at the oncologist's office, Crowne Plaza, Walmart, the Superdome during the Saints game, the psychiatrist office, the heart doctor, the neurologist office, and Barnes&Nobles (????).
My Bella is never coming home and I have to get over it.
I am sorry for anything I may have ever said or done to hurt you.
If my doctor writes me a prescription to not be around any kids but my own, listen. I did not talk her into it, she indepently wrote it because of my blood cell counts and the possibility of getting infections I could be hospitalized or worse killed from a virus when it is just a nuisance to your system and your system kills it.
.
I am spontaneous and wild yet an introvert at the same time.
I just want someone who loves me for both of my sides. Someone who can be wild and silly with me but at the same time respects when I need to be alone.

I try and I try to stay positive and turn to the promises of My God. I am human though. Jesus gave His life for me so that I may be forgiven of my sins.
Truth is I get scared.
Truth is I ignore cancer so it won't get me down. Truth is it doesn't matter what I think when my body tells me I'm sick it is hard to ignore.
I really do want to work. But a job working around all my doctors appointments and surgeries will be almost impossible to find much less keep.
I get overwhelmed by the phone calls, doctor's appointments, motherhood, doctor's bills, and really just life in general. I wish I could say I am living the life I am intended but I am not so sure I am.
I feel as though something big is in store for me. I don't know what or how or why, but I feel as though God has chosen me for something and I am steadily working towards His goal.
God know my heart. God knows my pain. God knows my heartache. God knows my strength.

I have shared enough lol. Maybe more next time.

As always, with love,

Shannon

New News

Hey Everyone,

Oh my goodness, the past few days have been rough.  I finally woke up refreshed (well as refreshed as I get) on Friday and ready to tackle rearranging Madisyn's room with her new futon bed that her dad got her for her birthday.  I had to run a few errands and while I'm sitting in the church parking lot (my last errand was there) I get "the" phone call.

"Mrs. Bridges?"
"Yes this is Shannon"
"Hi, this is (insert my doctors name here) from Houston, your oncologist.  We got the results of your MRI of your chest back and it doesn't look good.  There is much more involvement then we originally thought.  There is no way Dr. (insert my surgeons name here)will be able to remove all of this, we are going to have to cancel the surgery.  I know this is what you really wanted to do but there will be no benefit to performing the surgery when she will have to leave so much cancer in you still.  With your history the best thing for us to do is to have you remain on the Tykerb (a maintenance drug that targets only the cancer cells and not the good cells.  I take this medicine daily, 4 pills a day), start you on Lupron (a hormone therapy in the form of a shot that works by telling the pituitary gland located in the brain to stop producing the hormone that stimulates the ovaries to release estrogen), and eventually start you on an Aromatase Inhibitor (Aromatase inhibitors work by blocking the enzyme aromatase, which turns the hormone androgen into small amounts of estrogen in the body. This means that less estrogen is available to stimulate the growth of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer cells).  I am so sorry Shannon, I know how much you wanted this, I wish there were some way we could do this but it is just not reasonable.  We will see you back here in November and at that time do a full work up on you."


I could here the tears in her voice.  She really knew how much it meant to me to have this operation.  She really understood the Hope I had been leaning on.  I almost felt as though I was comforting her at first.  Assuring her I was okay and I understood why this had to, or should I say, would not happen.  I gave her a choked but cherry good bye and hung up the phone.  Only at that moment did I fully realize the extent of the conversation I had just had.  Even after five years of chemotherapy I had always had Hope that the cancer would be taken out and one day I would be moving forward.  All those dreams of life without cancer were crashed with one phone call.  All the joy for the day vanished.  A deep sickening feeling replaced it.  My body now felt like it was made with lead.    I managed to drive home and crawl inside, blindly turn on the tv, unaware of what I was watching, and just let the tears fall unconsciously.  Madisyn walked in from school moments later talking about redecorating her room. I nodded and mumbled something about laying down in bed and made my way down the hall and passed out.  Gone were the plans of cleaning out Madisyn's room, gone were the plans to bring everything to my moms for the garage sale she was holding the following morning, gone was anything but sleep.  


I made myself get out of bed Saturday morning and head to my moms garage sale.  I maybe sat outside for forty five minutes total when I went inside to lay down.  Then made up some excuse to go home and lay down.  Ignored phone calls after phone calls, emails after emails, and any other form of communication.  There weren't necessarily thoughts going through my head at all, which was weird.  It was like everything inside me had died.  My awesome friend Liz came over with two of her little girls Saturday after I offered her dinner but I proceded to allow her fumble around in my crack house looking kitchen and cook the supper.  I wasn't much company and my house is anything but child friendly, but she didn't care.  When I say awesome, Liz is awesome.  For the most part I unconsciously stuffed my face.  When they left I promptly passed out.  


Sunday came around and I forced myself out of bed and to church.  We were 30 minutes late but we made it.  Pastor Dino preached and I wrote.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  Just recently I started journaling.  I just write.  Whatever is going through my head, whether it makes sense or not, I write it.  During church Sunday, I wrote to myself that I needed to enjoy everyday that I do have.  I realized (for the millionth tiime in the past five years) how lucky I am to still be here with my baby when five years ago I never dreamed I would still be here with her to celebrate her 10th birthday with her.  I never dreamed I would see her go to her first day in the fifth grade.  I never dreamed I would see thirty.  So I told myself to scrape myself off of the ground and pick up the pieces and move on, or well forward.  Yes, cancer will always be here.  I won't ever need to read any "Life after cancer" books.  I will just have to always have to find a way to move forward.  To continue to climb my mountains without giving up.  


The thought to get up and run, well drive, is there but how do you run away from yourself?  No matter where I go, the cancer will still be there, with me.  I can run as far away as I want but it will get me absolutely no where.  That is when my feelings sink deeper.  Running is not an option.  Not that I make a habit of running when things get tough but sometimes just the thought makes you feel better.  But my imagination knows better.  


So Monday I didn't wake up bouncing and back to happy happy joy joy like I wanted.  Madisyn was sick so she stayed home and we literally laid around all day being miserable, but it was such a fun miserable.  We just enjoyed each others company.  I fell asleep by 3:30 that afternoon.  My baby made us some Ramon noodles for dinner and turned off all the lights and put her momma to bed.  Aside from waking up to eat dinner, and to take medicine twice, I slept until 6:00 the next morning.  


Tuesday and today have gone much better and I'm hoping it stays that way.  I was started on my Lupron today during my local oncologists appointment.  I cried when talking to my doctor about the canceled surgery, my doctor teared up with me but even she said there was no way to do the surgery.  I've got to say it has felt really good to have such a wonderful team on my side.  My doctors are more then I could ever ask for.  Even my oncologist in Houston who I have only known for not even a year is like another one of the girls with me.  They all understand and want more then anything for me to have a miracle.  I am so lucky.  


Today I am refreshed with an understanding that God is taking care of me.  I don't know His Plan and probably never will but He does and that's all that matters.

Well until next time....Shannon