Cancer, Vampires, and Hair

Hi Everyone!

Things have been going good so I haven't had much to complain about but I thought I would just write to you guys, say hi, talk about nothing, everything, and anything in between.

First things first...still stable and still on the same medications that I have been on for awhile.  Tykerb, Lupron, and Arimidex.  Very few side effects for the most part.  I stay on nausea meds, twice a day, and that pretty much covers any nausea I have.  The first few days after I get my shot (Lupron) I am in so much pain it is ridiculous.  That slowly goes away throughout the month, and then its time to get another one.  But honestly, it isn't that bad.  They mentioned changing to a different drug which doesn't have as many side effects; but so far I am not really comfortable changing meds, since I have been stable and to change drugs now makes me paranoid.  So for now that's that.  I return to Houston for doctor appointments in October so I get to kind of relax until then.  No worries!

Speaking of no worries...Lion King is back to the theater!  Starting September 16, in 3D and for only 2 weeks!  Put it in your calender now!  If you would like to add it to your home collection, click on Simba!
  As always, with any add on my page, if you click and buy I get a percentage of sales!  No one has clicked yet!  Start clicking!

Speaking of watching something...I just finished watching the series Ally McBeal!  OMG!  Absolutely LOVED it!!  The last season wasn't my favorite but I did relate to her just as much as in the beginning because she was at the same age I am now.  She had a ten year old daughter too.  Granted unfortunately I am not dating Bon Jovi and I have never dated Robert Downy Jr. but given the chance I think I would say yes lol. I also had to carry my child for nine months and go through with labor and raising her but....if you count all that out, we are the same...lol...Do you need some Ally in your life?   Amazon baby!  Believe me, you do need Ally in your life.  Since watching that show I now try to remind myself to have a theme song.  I haven't found the perfect one yet, but I am still searching.  The character Richard Fish introduced me to "bygones" which from what I can gather, I can say or do anything I want but as long as I add "bygones" after it, its okay.  He also introduced me to the unisex bathroom...make your work bathroom a unisex, get your ADA approved sign here lol!
The character John Cage introduced me to the nose whistle (which I have yet to master), extra large boxing gloves (get your own from Amazon!), and Barry White's "Baby We Better Try To Get it Together" (get your download from Amazon and make me a cd!).  They played even more of Barry when Ally had Barry appearing to her.  I absolutely have fallen in love with his older music!  On September 12, if he was still with us, he would be celebrating his 67th birthday.  There were so many things I loved about Ally McBeal.  Too many to keep listing.

So, changing the subject completely, I entered the world of extensions early August.  The wonderful ladies at Salon Zoe gave me a full head of hair!  The things they can do with hair these days is just miraculous!  When you first call Salon Zoe they set you up with a consultation.  In the consultation you will discuss they discuss the different styles, different ways to have the extensions, different colors; a very informative process.  They will set you up for a later date to come and get your amazing "do".  What is even more amazing is the heart of these ladies.  Cierra Wheat and Liz Anderson; knowing that many women struggle with alopecia (hair loss), formed an organization to help those affected by all this that can not afford the pricey hair do's. This organization deserves its name Angel Zoe.   With just a small co-pay Cierra and Liz gave me the hair I have been dreaming about having for years now.  I was able to enjoy a trip knowing that even if I know that I am sick, it wasn't completely obvious to others.  Just like a puzzle missing a piece they made me feel whole. Sadly since I was without hair for almost six years with a few breaks here and there, my hair folicules got infected because my hair wasn't strong enough to handle the way your hair gets pulled into braids.  So unfortunately last week I said goodbye to my extensions.  I miss them, and my reflection with lots of hair.  Here are my before and after pics:

Just so you know, no one is paying me to advertise Salon Zoe! I know earlier I did say the links I post are a way for me to earn money, but that is just with Amazon, like this: Books, books, and more books .








Speaking of books...I just finished reading Definately Dead, a Sookie Stackhouse Novel by Charlaine Harris.  These books are the basis for the hit HBO show True Blood.  We all know the story.  Vampire meets human female, falls in love, but wants to drink her amazing blood.  The catch in this series, both the books and the show, the world they live in know vampires exist.  They "came out" a couple years before our series starts and they have synthetic blood sold at gas stations just like Red Bull, Coke, or Gatorade.  Throw in a couple werewolves, werepanthers, weretigers, witches, and fairies, and VOILA! you now have Definitely Dead.  Of course Charlaine Harris writes it much better then that with twists and turns that have you wondering "WHAT??!!"  It is book six in series of books of which the most recent is book 11, which was released in May of this year.  Fortunately for all of us out there that can't wait to get our hands on imaginary vampires, werewolves,and whatever else they come up with, Charlaine is not finished writing!  Yes, more is coming!  I can't say that about a very similar series, I think we all know which one I am talking about...Twilight of course!  I still am waiting patiently for Stephenie Meyer to change her mind and continue the series. 
Below, click on the any of the pics to order them on Amazon:







Okay, it's time for me to sleep...should have never had the grande coffee at 8 that took me until 10 to drink.  I feel like I could go to the gym...nah...tv and bed with prayers of sleep tonight.  Next time I will tell you all about my road trip!  Who knows if I can't sleep I may be back this sometime this morning to blog!

Love you always!

Shannon

Good Days are Still to Come

Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard yesterday with my rants.  Sorry.  I won't delete it because I still feel I am right (those that know me well, know I will always be right, whether I am or not).  Anyways, I had a better day today.  I got multiple things accomplished, only had one stomach issue (so far), and even wore makeup and jewelry today.

I made a huge step today.  I saw myself in a window and today I saw a girl.  Not a cancer patient.  Not a mom. Not a frazzled crazy lady...but a girl.  I saw my eyes shine.  I saw a smile.  I don't know where it came from, but I am so happy it did.  It reminded me that I am still here.  Whether my life is the way I envisioned it or not, I am still here.  What will happen when the church stops helping me with my finances...I don't know.  What will happen if I need to go back on chemo..I don't know.  But for now, right now, I am just a regular girl.  I didn't feel fat from all the weight gain from the Lupron.  I didn't feel ugly because of my crazy hair.  I just felt like that girl Shannon I used to know.

This battle has been so hard.  Yesterday I sat and wondered if everyone is just waiting to hear that I died.  Am I that person that everyone keeps in the back of their mind and prays about occasionally, but in reality, every time they hear any news about me, do they expect it to be of my demise?

So for some strange reason I went from that thinking yesterday, to happiness today.  Connection?  I don't really think so.  I'll ask my therapist on Thursday.

Ever since cancer I have a thing with saying exactly whats on my mind.  I mean, I did it before too but it is at a whole new level now.  Yesterday I was wondering if that was me closing all of my loose ends.  Am I making peace with everyone who I wronged in the past because my time is near?  Then I started thinking about the stupid car in front of me so that is about as far as that thought went.  But thinking on it now I still don't have an answer.  Some people thank me for telling them, others choose to act like I never said anything, and some just choose to kind of wash their hands of that crazy, psycho girl who likes to talk about feelings. Lol.

I sat and wondered what it meant that I was still single and not dating after leaving my ex-husband five years ago.  I went through the whole process with all the regular excuses:  I have cancer, I have been on treatment, I'm a single mom on cancer treatment, the right one just hasn't come along, I am happier single, and my greatest one of all is "I wouldn't want to introduce anyone into this crazy life of mine".  Well, I met one of my neighbors the other day.  A nice lady, elderly in age, in a battery operated wheelchair, short, curly silver hair who started telling me about her failed marriage.  She went on to tell me her husband came back from The Korean War a paranoid schizophrenic.  He went crazy and refused treatment so she took her and her four kids and left.  She raised her kids alone as a single mother.  She tried dating but one day one of her boyfriends after meeting her teenage daughter couldn't stop talking about how beautiful she was, her legs, her hair, her figure...so she vowed never to get into a serious relationship again.  She would put the kids to bed at night, get a sitter, go out with her friends and get them up and off to school in the morning.  I think I realized that at this time in my life God wants me single for His own reasons.  I continued to sit there listening to her, envying her freedom.

Did anyone else hear anything like freedom for that woman in that story?  I am pretty sure I may be one of the only ones.  I realize now that it was never the "being a single mom" that was so hard.  Granted this year and I am sure every year after I will bite my tongue because of these words but I am completely ok being a mother.  In fact if there was a father to deal with we would probably fight, alot.  It really is the cancer part that makes everything else hard.  It makes the smile on my face hard.  It makes the sparkle in my eyes hard to come by.  And it makes the way I see my reflection in a glass window different every time.  The sucky part about it is that most of the time I can't control the reflection.  It used to be, if I felt bad I would through on a cute outfit, some extra makeup, and force that smile on my face.  Now, depending on medication...I may be bald, I may have some hair with bald spots, I may be thirty pounds heavier then I was two weeks ago, my face may look like it just got dug out of the ground or should go into the ground.  I guess to pull this post together I will just end with this....Today was a Good Day...the sun shone...the rain poured...my eyes opened...and just as every day God blessed me and my daughter with His Awesome LOVE!

New News

Hey Everyone,

Oh my goodness, the past few days have been rough.  I finally woke up refreshed (well as refreshed as I get) on Friday and ready to tackle rearranging Madisyn's room with her new futon bed that her dad got her for her birthday.  I had to run a few errands and while I'm sitting in the church parking lot (my last errand was there) I get "the" phone call.

"Mrs. Bridges?"
"Yes this is Shannon"
"Hi, this is (insert my doctors name here) from Houston, your oncologist.  We got the results of your MRI of your chest back and it doesn't look good.  There is much more involvement then we originally thought.  There is no way Dr. (insert my surgeons name here)will be able to remove all of this, we are going to have to cancel the surgery.  I know this is what you really wanted to do but there will be no benefit to performing the surgery when she will have to leave so much cancer in you still.  With your history the best thing for us to do is to have you remain on the Tykerb (a maintenance drug that targets only the cancer cells and not the good cells.  I take this medicine daily, 4 pills a day), start you on Lupron (a hormone therapy in the form of a shot that works by telling the pituitary gland located in the brain to stop producing the hormone that stimulates the ovaries to release estrogen), and eventually start you on an Aromatase Inhibitor (Aromatase inhibitors work by blocking the enzyme aromatase, which turns the hormone androgen into small amounts of estrogen in the body. This means that less estrogen is available to stimulate the growth of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer cells).  I am so sorry Shannon, I know how much you wanted this, I wish there were some way we could do this but it is just not reasonable.  We will see you back here in November and at that time do a full work up on you."


I could here the tears in her voice.  She really knew how much it meant to me to have this operation.  She really understood the Hope I had been leaning on.  I almost felt as though I was comforting her at first.  Assuring her I was okay and I understood why this had to, or should I say, would not happen.  I gave her a choked but cherry good bye and hung up the phone.  Only at that moment did I fully realize the extent of the conversation I had just had.  Even after five years of chemotherapy I had always had Hope that the cancer would be taken out and one day I would be moving forward.  All those dreams of life without cancer were crashed with one phone call.  All the joy for the day vanished.  A deep sickening feeling replaced it.  My body now felt like it was made with lead.    I managed to drive home and crawl inside, blindly turn on the tv, unaware of what I was watching, and just let the tears fall unconsciously.  Madisyn walked in from school moments later talking about redecorating her room. I nodded and mumbled something about laying down in bed and made my way down the hall and passed out.  Gone were the plans of cleaning out Madisyn's room, gone were the plans to bring everything to my moms for the garage sale she was holding the following morning, gone was anything but sleep.  


I made myself get out of bed Saturday morning and head to my moms garage sale.  I maybe sat outside for forty five minutes total when I went inside to lay down.  Then made up some excuse to go home and lay down.  Ignored phone calls after phone calls, emails after emails, and any other form of communication.  There weren't necessarily thoughts going through my head at all, which was weird.  It was like everything inside me had died.  My awesome friend Liz came over with two of her little girls Saturday after I offered her dinner but I proceded to allow her fumble around in my crack house looking kitchen and cook the supper.  I wasn't much company and my house is anything but child friendly, but she didn't care.  When I say awesome, Liz is awesome.  For the most part I unconsciously stuffed my face.  When they left I promptly passed out.  


Sunday came around and I forced myself out of bed and to church.  We were 30 minutes late but we made it.  Pastor Dino preached and I wrote.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  Just recently I started journaling.  I just write.  Whatever is going through my head, whether it makes sense or not, I write it.  During church Sunday, I wrote to myself that I needed to enjoy everyday that I do have.  I realized (for the millionth tiime in the past five years) how lucky I am to still be here with my baby when five years ago I never dreamed I would still be here with her to celebrate her 10th birthday with her.  I never dreamed I would see her go to her first day in the fifth grade.  I never dreamed I would see thirty.  So I told myself to scrape myself off of the ground and pick up the pieces and move on, or well forward.  Yes, cancer will always be here.  I won't ever need to read any "Life after cancer" books.  I will just have to always have to find a way to move forward.  To continue to climb my mountains without giving up.  


The thought to get up and run, well drive, is there but how do you run away from yourself?  No matter where I go, the cancer will still be there, with me.  I can run as far away as I want but it will get me absolutely no where.  That is when my feelings sink deeper.  Running is not an option.  Not that I make a habit of running when things get tough but sometimes just the thought makes you feel better.  But my imagination knows better.  


So Monday I didn't wake up bouncing and back to happy happy joy joy like I wanted.  Madisyn was sick so she stayed home and we literally laid around all day being miserable, but it was such a fun miserable.  We just enjoyed each others company.  I fell asleep by 3:30 that afternoon.  My baby made us some Ramon noodles for dinner and turned off all the lights and put her momma to bed.  Aside from waking up to eat dinner, and to take medicine twice, I slept until 6:00 the next morning.  


Tuesday and today have gone much better and I'm hoping it stays that way.  I was started on my Lupron today during my local oncologists appointment.  I cried when talking to my doctor about the canceled surgery, my doctor teared up with me but even she said there was no way to do the surgery.  I've got to say it has felt really good to have such a wonderful team on my side.  My doctors are more then I could ever ask for.  Even my oncologist in Houston who I have only known for not even a year is like another one of the girls with me.  They all understand and want more then anything for me to have a miracle.  I am so lucky.  


Today I am refreshed with an understanding that God is taking care of me.  I don't know His Plan and probably never will but He does and that's all that matters.

Well until next time....Shannon